


With or Without you

by tinyteapot



Category: Bill Clinton - Fandom, Billary - Fandom, HILLARY CLINTON - Fandom
Genre: Billary, F/M, Hillary Clinton - Freeform, Hillary Rodham - Freeform, bill clinton - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-30 08:05:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13947324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyteapot/pseuds/tinyteapot
Summary: Set during their dating days, Bill and Hillary have a chaotic relationship. Each unsure of their future, they become more unsure of what they want when Hillary decides to leave.





	1. Hillary

He held a note in his hand which he had picked up from the kitchen table.  
He couldn’t bring himself to read it, knowing what it might be.  
He had been out late again tonight for a beer with the boys and when he had come home to the little house they rented, he had called her name and had received no response.  
Hillary.  
They had fought again earlier this afternoon, hence him leaving to have a drink at the bar.  
It was hardly the first time.  
But he had always come back and she had always been there waiting for him.  
Always.  
With her tear stained eyes she would lay curled up on the armchair and he would carry her to their bedroom.  
But tonight was different, tonight though the air smelled of her, he didn’t feel her presence like he usually did.  
Though it was the same fight, he telling her she was pushing him and her telling him it was because she loved him, there was something more permanent about the silence in the house  
This house, that was as much hers as his felt so empty.  
They hadn’t planned to move in together, she hadn’t planned to move to Arkansas at all.  
But when she would come visit him, she would stay here with him and it had become such a recurrence that her name had been put on the lease and her things had been moved in.  
The once dull house had been painted yellow on the inside at her command and it had brought sunlight just as she had to his world.  
So she couldn’t be gone…  
He refused to believe it.  
Maybe she was out for groceries.  
She was always telling him he need to restock the fridge and that even the bible said that man didn’t live on bread alone.  
Hillary lived on mocha cake and fruits, so perhaps she had gone out to the store for some. He crumpled up the note and put it in his shirt pocket, hoping he could will it away.  
He turned to the fridge to check it’s containments but he knew it was a fool’s errand, a fool’s wish.  
It was past midnight, and all the stores were closed.  
As if to add more pain, the fridge was fully stocked, a half eaten mocha cake slice on the top shelf.  
Then she must be upstairs in the bedroom, he thought.  
But he was kidding himself.  
He didn’t want to believe that she was gone.  
She couldn’t be.  
How could she go?  
It wasn’t all bad.  
She hadn’t left when she had gotten upset at scraping her knees in a volleyball game or when the weather became too blistering for her liking.  
She hadn’t left even though she screamed at him in the midst of arguments of how she “hated Arkansas!”  
But he knew it wasn’t the state she hated, it was him.  
She hated how he would stay out late and not tell her where he had been and she hated how he would distance himself from her and contradict himself.  
But she couldn’t have gone.  
There was happiness too.  
There were Razorback games they would go to and she would go to keep him company but her nose would be in a book.  
There was chasing her through fields when they would play hide and seek like children.  
And most of all there were gentle caresses and he cradling her face as she closed her blue eyes in pleasure.  
She couldn’t have given all that up.  
He refused to believe it.  
But this silence felt different than the ones he was greeted with when she would go visit family or take on a new job.  
She had to be upstairs.  
With cold feet, he left the kitchen and ventured up the stairs.  
He didn’t dare glance at the photos of them that had been mounted on every crook and cranny in the hallway. That was more of her touch.  
He still remembered her sitting on top of his shoulders with a photo in hand and how she had chosen each and every one of their designated places.  
Even if he had tried to look at the photos, the hallway was too dark for that.  
Even then he knew that wasn’t a good sign.  
Hillary loved to read, so much so that the house was always well lit for when her lense framed eyes wanted to devour the words off a page.  
He came upon the bedroom door and his hand touched the handle though he still felt too cowardly to go in.  
How many times had he yelled at her in a fight to leave? ‘Take your things and go Hillary!’ He had even thrown her suitcase in her direction once in an intensely heated argument.  
He had lamented to his friends about he had tried everything to get her to leave and she wouldn’t go.  
Each time she had stayed.  
And each time he had been glad she had.  
‘But you’re getting ahead of yourself Bill, she might still be here asleep,’ he thought to himself.  
He wished that he could stay in the hall forever, in this state of unknowing, but he knew that was the coward’s way.  
So as he turned the handle and walked in he was praying that she was there.  
‘God let her be there. I don’t care if she’s mad at me, just her be there.’  
But his inner monologue wouldn’t be enough this time.  
He turned on the light.  
And the bed was empty.  
It was even made up, nice and clean.  
She was gone.  
There would be no more laughter with her in the morning or her bushy hair blowing in the wind in the passenger seat of his car.  
He felt empty.  
As empty as the house.  
No use in denying it to himself anymore, he went to the closet and opened it to find that only his items remained.  
She had packed up her things and left.  
How many times had he wished her away in anger?  
Now that she was gone it didn’t feel the least bit satisfying.  
His knees felt as though they might give out and he sat on their bed.  
The bed that now felt too big, the bed in which they had made love on numerous occasions.  
In retrospect, he should have seen this coming.  
They fought frequently.  
Oh how they fought.  
Like cats and dogs.  
Like ships in the night.  
Sometimes over insignificant things, but it was almost always about something more.  
It was about his staying out late.  
‘You act like a single man, Clinton! I don’t know why I’m here!’ She had yelled before.  
It was about the women.  
There weren’t many of them, in fact he could count them on one hand and his relationships with them weren’t always physical, but that didn’t change the dimness in Hillary’s eyes when he came home to her smelling like another woman’s perfume.  
It didn’t change the regret he felt when her tears would wet his shirt when she would cry into his chest lamenting, ‘why aren’t I enough?’  
And it didn’t change how he would assure her she was enough and then he would go and do the very thing he wished not to do!  
It didn’t change that she was gone now.  
It was as though she had never been and he knew he would have to wash the bedsheets or he would go mad with the sheets smelling like her.  
What had triggered the fight this time?  
He wished he could remember.  
What led to them being apart? Was it worth it?  
He knew it wasn’t, it was all so insignificant without her.  
But his paradoxical attitude had chased her away  
He should have seen it coming.  
It had been foretold in the way she had been more silent and contemplative these days.  
And how when they had made love two days ago she had held him and said with such emotion, ‘I’ll always love you,’ it had stunned him then, but now he knew she had been saying goodbye.  
He remembered the note in his shirt pocket and hoping to find some explanation he took it out.  
He smoothed out the indents and her familiar cursive handwriting made his heart race.  
He did find an explanation.  
It was all too simple.  
But it was all he had now.  
It read:

‘It’s not working honey, I am leaving. My share of rent is in the drawer. I love you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: update the Last Winter don't start a new fic  
> also me: starts a new fic
> 
> lol this fic will be a short story maybe 8 chapters or less and it's just something I was inspired to write based on a song and a pintrest post (how basic.)  
> I will be updating the last winter after next monday because I have a math test next monday I need to study for and two papers due this week.  
> Thank you for reading and your patience!:)


	2. Bill

Leaving him had been the hardest decision of her life.  
It had been harder than deciding what college to go to, or even what her major should be.  
But yet as hard as it had been, it had also been too simple.  
Packing her things had been simple and so had writing down the note she had left him.  
It had been so simple in fact that it was unsatisfying.  
Her relationship with him was anything but simple.  
Bill.  
He was this cosmic force of energy that was like a meteor rocketing through the sky.  
She was like gravity, steady and constant, and she had always held him down in the best of ways by giving him focus.  
But comets belonged in space where there is no gravity and because of that he and her often collided and there was friction.  
It wasn’t simple.  
But she had made the decision in her heart to leave two days prior to her departure.  
It had been a good day for them, they had been sitting outside on the patio.  
He had been reading a book out loud to her and she had rested her head in his lap as he had stroked her hair.  
When she had looked up at him, his eyes had been so happy and at peace when he was following the words on the pages.  
That happiness in his eyes had made up her mind.  
It was strange.  
It was more than odd that his joy had sent her away.  
She hadn’t left when the heat had become more than her liking and she hadn’t left though she had scrapped her knees far too many times playing volleyball with Bill and his friends.  
She hadn’t even left when the doorbell had rang and she had opened it to be face to face with a woman who clearly hadn’t expected her to be there.  
One of Bill’s other women…  
The women who’s perfume would linger and stain his shirt collars when he would come home from work.  
She hadn’t even left when she had found out about them by looking through the receipts Bill had carelessly left in his jeans.  
Motel rooms, flowers, and adult items…she had connected the dots quickly.  
She hadn’t even left though he had told her to in the midst of their fights.  
In the end it had been the happiness in his eyes that had sent her astray.  
It came down to one thing: she loved him.  
She loved him with everything she was that she wanted his joy to last.  
They fought so much and she felt as though she had become a nuisance to him, taking his words “you always push me too hard” to heart though he had often told her that was just the anger speaking.  
The joy in his eyes that she had seen two days prior to her departure had become such a rare sight.  
And that joy had made up her mind.  
She wanted him to be happy, always.  
So she had decided to leave and remove herself, his nuisance, from his life.  
They had fought the day she had left, and he had gone out to drink with his friends.  
That had made up her mind, and so she had gone upstairs and packed her things.  
She had taken only her wardrobe in her suitcase.  
Not even a picture of him had been taken with her, though his face still had haunted her every time she had closed her eyes.  
She had walked to the nearest bus station and had waited.  
With what little of her money she had taken, she had boarded the bus and had sat at the back.  
She had always been the breadwinner of the little house they rented and she hadn’t wanted to leave Bill without means, so she had only salvaged what she had needed for her journey to the airport and to purchase plane tickets.  
With her head lying back on the seat, she had stared out the window pane.  
It had been very late at night and the bus had contained only a few passengers.  
She had been quick to categorize them.   
They consisted of an old man, a middle aged man, and a young couple.  
She had thought to herself then that no one would be out that late without a reason.  
The old man was there to be nostalgic most likely taking a trip down memory lane.  
The middle-aged man probably had troubles of his own, very much like herself. When she had seen his wedding ring, she had thought to herself that no married man would be out this late if it wasn’t for marriage troubles. She felt for his wife, and had sent a silent prayer that all would work out for the stranger.  
Then there had been the young couple.  
She had known their purpose for being out late all too well.  
They were out because they were in love, anyone could see it in the way the young man caressed the woman’s face. When one was young and in love sleep became a nuisance as it kept the lovers apart.  
She had remembered all too well how she and Bill had often gone on many adventures during the night…but then he had begun to stay out too late..then he had come home smelling like other women.  
She had forced herself to look away from the couple since their light touches remind her all too much of him, of Bill.  
Two days ago, the same day she had made her decision to leave, they had made love.  
She had held him and had enjoyed his body one last time, her hands alternating between gripping the bedsheets and his back.  
As she had laid her head back on the bus seat, closing her eyes and trying to forget, his touches came back to her.  
She had still been able to remember all too well how his lips had brushed everywhere from her collarbone, to her breasts, and her genitalia.  
It hadn’t all been bad.  
Moving in with him had been an unplanned adventure.  
She had learned his quirks and he had learned hers.  
They had been by each other’s side for everything, from going to his beloved Razorbacks games to him chasing her in fields.  
It had torn at her heart to leave it all behind, but she had made the decision for both their sakes.  
His especially, because most of all what she wanted in this world was for him to be full of light and joy.  
After the bus had arrived at the airport, she had gone through the process of purchasing a red-eye flight ticket.  
Where to?  
New York City.  
She had friends there from when she had taken a few jobs and cases in the city.  
Moreover, the city was big and Bill wouldn’t find her there, he couldn’t.  
Her endeavor had been successful and she had boarded a plane, a window seat at her leisure.  
She had settled in, looking to get some sleep but she had known she wouldn’t be able to.  
After an hour had gone by, she had known then that Bill would have most likely been coming home to find that she was not there.  
She had wondered whether he would cry, whether he would be relieved, or would he have gone to see one of his other women?  
Would he move one of them into the house with him now?  
Would it be the one that she had met at the door with the made-up face and dark hair?  
She had rubbed at her temples then, even in her sorrow she had known that it wasn’t a good line of thinking.  
Still, she couldn’t shake the boy from Arkansas from her mind.  
Bill Clinton.  
When they had first fallen in love it had been a garden, a lush array of color and glee.  
He hadn’t feared her, unlike other men who found her too abrasive and ambitious.  
They had taken each other in, finding refuge from the world.  
They had stayed up together countless nights discussing world events and when they had still been law students, she had watched his hands take down notes and complete assignments.  
Why did it seem to go so astray?  
She hadn’t been able to come up with an answer.  
Again and again it had just come back to her comet and gravity theory.  
He was a comet and she gravity, and never should the two meet.  
After several hours had gone by and the plane had landed, she had gone through the mundane process of collecting her luggage, then finding a telephone.  
She had punched in the number of her friend in the city, a once upon a time colleague.  
Her friend had answered and when Hillary explained her situation her friend had welcomed her with open arms.  
So she had taken a cab to her friend’s apartment.  
And the Hillary of Arkansas had been no more.  
She had become Hillary of New York City.  
Now, she was employed at one of the prestigious law firms and would be looking to acquire an apartment of her own in the coming weeks.  
Two weeks had gone by.  
Two weeks, and now she had a new life.  
It was insane to her how simple it was to pick up and leave.  
Pick up and start over.  
Anyone could do it.  
But the past two weeks had only numbed the pain, it had been like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.  
Currently, she decided to call her mother and inform her of her updated whereabouts.  
She and her mother had always been close and maybe words from the women who had given her life would help in diluting the pain she still felt.  
If comfort is what she sought, she did not receive it. For the first words her mother said were, “Hillary where are you? Bill turned up here looking for you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh kind unsatisfied with the flow of this chapter but I wanted to explain more about how Hillary left and give her point of view. Next chapter will be about Bill traveling to find Hillary. Thank you everyone for your patience and time :)


	3. Floral

“That was her wasn’t it? That was Hillary on the phone,” he asked as he watched her mother hang up the phone in the kitchen. He had only walked in towards the end of the conversation but from the way the older woman quickly hung up the phone and the few words he heard, he knew he must be right.  
It had been two weeks since he had come home that night to find Hillary gone.  
The first week had been brutal, agonizing even.  
He had seen her everywhere, Hillary.  
How her blue eyes had haunted him whenever he went outside and the color of the sky was the same shade.  
Due to that, he had decided to find her, make sure she was alright. He needed closure.  
The way she had left had been so simple, too simple for the complex thing that was their relationship.  
Their love was a fierce thing, a dragon  
So earlier this week he had ventured to her parents home in Illinois. He had stayed with them for two days longer than he had intended given that the East Coast weather had snowed him in.  
He had dealt with her father’s disapproving stare and her mother’s perplexed expression.  
He had done that all for her, he had even used some of his precious sick days from work to make the journey.  
“It was Hillary, I’d know her voice anywhere,” he continued, when her mother didn’t answer. He swore that Hillary’s voice could call him back from the grave and hell itself.  
“Bill, I really think you should go on home now to Arkansas,” Dorothy Rodham said. Unlike Hillary’s father, Dorothy was warmer to him, but above all else she was loyal to her daughter.  
That was a trait of the Rodhams he most admired, loyalty.  
Hillary had that trait as well. He had first seen it in her eyes when she discussed her beliefs and values with him and he could sense the unshaking loyalty she possessed when it came to what she believed in.Of course that loyalty later transferred to him and she received him time and time again with open arms despite his mistakes. But he had squandered it, he had ruined it, manipulated it even.  
He had to make things right.  
“There’s no home for me without her,” he said truthfully, his voice almost catching in despair.  
Dorothy didn’t say a word and went back to cooking dinner. Unlike Hillary, her mother could cook well. Dorothy Rodham was a woman that had an aura of strength but yet a quiet dignity that commanded respect. It reminded him of Hillary so much that it hurt his chest. Seeing the older woman there, fingers gently holding the lettuce in place as she cut it, reminded him of how Hillary’s fingers would hold her pen in the same way, like a lover.  
Sensing that he was watching her, Dorothy looked up.  
He could only imagine how his face appeared, ashen and grave, he had given up shaving as well.  
“Bill,” she said softly. She sounded nurturing in the way only mothers could sound. Yet there was something more. There was empathy. He remembered Hillary telling him of her mother’s difficult past, of her mother being abandoned, feeling like she had no one in the world. In the same way that he was seeing the ghost of Hillary reflected in Dorothy, she must have been seeing the ghost of the abandoned child she used to be in him.  
“There is no home for me without her,” he repeated, “I know it was her on the phone, Dorothy. Just tell me where she is please. I need to see that she is safe, I need to know-” and this time his voice did break and he felt one lone tear fall down his cheek.  
He thanked all of his stars that Hillary’s father was at work, for the big man found him to be soft already.  
He had always been intune with his emotions, sometimes it did more harm than good. But he didn’t hide his tears or regret them. The tears reminded him that the love they had shared had been real. She had been gone for so long that at times he had wondered if he had conjured her up.  
He felt a thumb wipe away the tear.  
“Why don’t you go upstairs and I’ll bring your dinner up for you when it is ready?” Dorothy said softly.  
He nodded, sensing that the woman wasn’t going to bend or give him the information he wanted.  
Slowly as if drunk, he picked himself up and resolved to retreating up the stairs.  
It hadn’t been easy coming to this house.  
The whole house was her in a literal and symbolic sense.  
She was her parents, little bits of her appearance reflecting in them. His heart had been so struck when he had pulled into the driveway and had been met with her father’s intimidating stance and jutted out chin in defense. That had reminded him so very much of when he would come home late and Hillary would be standing in the very same stance.  
Then there were all the photos of her that littered the house.  
They taunted him now as he climbed up the stairs.  
The photos on the wall contained her age progression and all her school portraits from kindergarten to her graduation photo from Yale.  
Even at a younger age she had those big blue eyes and wide grin. Unlike most people, she had retained that grin, her head falling back and laughing in some of the photos. He could almost hear it..her big hearty laugh.  
How often he had heard that laugh, even in intimate moments with he inside her and chests pressed together he had coaxed that laughter out of her, feeling it vibrate through their connected bodies.  
He forced himself to look away from the photos and climb up the steps.  
Recently he had heard that laugh less, he felt like a monster for destroying the beautiful girl in the photos.  
With shame, he resigned himself to the guest room he had been staying in, closing the door behind him.  
Dorothy had offered him Hillary’s room, but he couldn’t… it would hurt too much to be surrounded by everything that was her.  
But even in the guest room he hadn’t been safe.  
Though the room was bare except for a bed and side table drawer, the bed sheets reminded him of Hillary.  
They were floral sheets, like the ones they had back home, floral like the skirt he had complimented her on at Yale.  
Floral..  
The pattern had become Hillary itself, each curve of a printed rose the cupid bow of her lips.  
How many times had he found himself completely at her mercy in sheets such as these?  
In the beginning it had been quite often.  
It had shocked him then and in a way it still did, how much his body and soul had responded and been attracted to her with such an intensity that at times he felt as though he might faint if he didn’t touch her.  
He sat down on this bed now, and let his face fall in his hands.  
These past two weeks, he hadn’t been able to stop the floodgate of memories that had come through.  
He had thought about their firsts often, their first glances, their first kiss, and now he thought of their first time.  
They had been so gentle together at first, despite both of them having learned the language of love prior to meeting each other.  
But that gentleness had turned into desperation and they had hung onto each other for dear life, and he had tasted her very being.  
He had filled her up and she had wrapped around him in a way no one else could, they had fitted each other perfectly as if created for the other.  
It hadn’t ever been the same with anyone else since..  
Yet, he was a walking paradox.  
Because no matter how good it felt with Hillary, he had been with other women as well.  
It was so ridiculous because he wanted to stop, he wanted to quit seeking the comfort he longed so much for that only Hillary could give him in their arms.  
And this addiction of his destroyed both of them.  
It had driven her away.  
The Illinois snow continued to fall outside and it seemed as though it wouldn’t let up.  
He hadn’t wanted to take up too much of the Rodham’s hospitality, all he had wanted was to know where Hillary was, but upon arriving it was clear that her parents hadn’t known she had left either.  
That had left to a round of her father chastising him, and asking him what he had done, while her mother had at first cried but then rationalized in saying that Hillary had always done well on her own.  
He hadn’t expected her to be here, but he had loaded his suitcase in his trunk all the same.  
In fact, he wasn’t sure what he would have done if she had been here. He wasn’t sure what he would do when he saw her again.  
A tap sounded at the door.  
“Come in,” he called.  
And in came Dorothy with a serving tray.  
She put it on the side table drawer and the fresh aroma of celery and beef stew waded into his nostrils.  
“Thank you,” he said.  
“You’re welcome,” she replied. Then she paused as though she wanted to say more. A look of contemplation came upon her face, then she closed the door and sat on the bed next to him.  
“Bill, that was Hillary on the phone,” she said.  
He had suspected as much.  
“What did she say?” he asked. His heart was racing and he felt ridiculous, but she was his lifeline now and no pride could squander that.  
“She called to let me know where she was. I told her you had come here looking for her,” she went on.  
“And?” he pressed. He wanted to know where she was, he wanted to run to her and end this madness.  
“And she told me to tell you to go home,” Dorothy said.  
He needed more, even if it hurt his heart he needed her.  
“She’s my home, she knows that,” he replied. He had told her that very thing all the time, between kisses, at breakfast, and at night when they held each other.  
But Dorothy seemed to be struggling on what more to tell him, because surely Hillary had told her not to tell him anything.  
“I’m in love with her. I’m in love with your daughter, Dorothy. All I ever think about is her and even more so now that she left. I need to try, I need for her to tell me she doesn’t want me in the face rather than leaving in the dead of night. If she wants me to go I’ll go, but I need to hear it from her,” he lamented.  
Dorothy looked at him for a long time.  
It must have been something in his eyes, and the remembrance of being alone because at last she uttered the words he needed to hear:  
“Hillary is in New York.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little chapter because this is a story story as compared to my others, and I like to keep Hillary and Bill's POV separate in this fic. I'm planning to have the next chapter up later tonight or tomorrow night. Sorry if this was underwhelming, Billary will reunite in the next chapter.


	4. Soup

The New York snow had fallen over her apartment, like a winter wonderland. Even so, the snow didn't seem to be clearing any time soon.  
As a result, she had finally been able to make use of her light pink thermal pajamas, that were suitable enough to keep her warm. She hadn't been able to make use of them in Arkansas, as the temperature there would at times become so hot that they would take the cot they slept on outside, to sleep under the stars.  
Whilst she loved sleeping under the stars, she was an Illinois girl, through and through.  
So the coldness that nipped at her neck and toes was pleasing.  
In fact, it even gave her an opportunity to reheat her left over pot roast soup she had enjoyed the day before when she and her colleagues had gone to brunch.  
She curled up on the couch with the soup in hand now and felt warmth come over her.  
She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation.  
For a moment, she felt peace.  
It hadn't been easy to find peace the previous day when her mother had informed her how Bill had gone in search of her.  
She had told her mother not to tell him of her whereabouts.  
And she had gone to work and out to brunch, but he had never been far from her mind.  
She had thought about him when the little café restaurant had jazz music playing over the intercom.  
And she had thought about him when she had seen a head of thick curly hair.  
Bill...  
Though she had made friends of her colleagues and she had a set routine for herself which she enjoyed, she still missed him.  
Perhaps that's why she had chosen to cut several inches of her hair.  
He had always loved her long hair.  
When they had first met, her waves had extended to her elbows and in intimate moments, her hair had served as a curtain for them.  
But yesterday after hearing how he had been searching for her, she had decided to have it chopped.  
The reasoning? It was foolish but in her mind she had rationalized that if she had her hair cropped, then that if he found her, he would no longer want her.  
And why would he?  
All his women had longer hair.  
No, she had chosen to rebel against that, even though every beat of her heart longed for him.  
So the once longed waves had turned into curls in a delicate cut that hit at her chin.  
It was a change, but similar to all the others, she liked it.  
She sighed heavily, opening her eyes and then taking a spoonful of the soup.  
The liquid filled her body with a warmth she hadn't experienced in so long.  
In that moment her senses were heightened.  
She could smell the pleasant aroma coming from the soup, she could feel it's warmth banishing the cold from her body, and she could hear... A knock at her door.  
Strange, it was rather late. Visitors also usually had to be approved by the front desk or buzzed in.  
She stood and set the soup down on the counter and walked over to the door.  
Before opening it, she grabbed her gray lounge robe and put it on.  
She opened the door and instantly felt sheer surprise.  
"Bill?" She asked, then upon getting a better look at him added, "Bill what happened to you?"  
Her caring nature took over as she ushered him into her apartment room, and closed the door behind him.  
His hair was soaked, the ebony shade littered with snowflakes. His skin was paler than she had ever seen before and his lips blue.  
"I was out looking for you," he muttered while shivering.  
She sighed and ran a hand through her cropped hair.  
In that moment, it didn't matter that she had left him and there was no awkwardness.  
In that moment all she could see was that he was freezing, could possibly become sick, and that it was late out.  
"Bill, go ahead and take a shower here to warm up before you get sick," she said.  
He seemed perplexed even in his shivering manner.  
"Really Hillary?-"  
"Bill, one thing at a time. Follow me," she said.  
She weaved him through the same hallway in her apartment room to the restroom.  
"Go in there and wait and I'll bring you something to wear," she said.  
He did as told.  
Her heart pounded in anticipation as she went to her bedroom and dresser to search for clothes.  
She couldn't believe this was happening, let alone that she was allowing it to happen.  
Yet, she knew that she wouldn't have been able to just throw him out on the streets so he could possibly catch a cold or pneumonia.  
She grabbed her largest sweatshirt and sweatpants and knocked on the door of the bathroom.  
The door opened a crack and his hand outstretched and took the clothes.  
Their fingers touched briefly, and she gasped at the coldness.  
"Sorry," was all he said, then closed the door.  
A few moments later, the shower head started up, drizzling with warmth and steam.  
Hillary herself returned to the main room and sat back on the couch.  
Her soup was still warm but she had lost interest in it now.  
What was he doing here?  
How had he found her?  
Yes, she had told her mother she was in New York City and working at a law firm, but that had been the extent of it.  
Her heart pounded and it pounded even more when she heard him singing Elvis songs in the shower.  
For a moment, she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at how he could sing in a time like this.  
She began to think of what she would do once he came out from the shower.  
This was Bill, and she was comfortable with him, that wasn’t an issue.  
The issue was that she had left him, had wanted to start over, yet she would be lying if she said her heart hadn’t jumped in glee at seeing him.  
She hadn’t thrown him out, but that didn’t matter, she would have done the same for anyone else.  
It would be so unlike her to throw someone out in the extreme cold.  
The shower head stopped and so did his singing, now taking the form of light humming.  
She could hear him getting dressed, and then a door open.  
Then his figure emerged from the shadow of the hallway. He was still pulling the sweatshirt over his head and making a disgruntled face.  
“Who’s sweatshirt is this? It’s too big for you,” he asked. Some color had returned to his face and lips. He had stopped shivering as well.  
“It is mine,” she answered rolling her eyes. She speculated that he must have suspicions of it belonging to another man given that it fit him perfectly and she had often worn his clothes.  
”Some friends and I went to a tourist shop and I really liked the design of the sweatshirt but they didn’t have any in my size. I opted for getting the larger size that was available and use it to lounge around in,” she explained.  
“Oh, alright,” he replied, seeming more at ease.  
Then there was silence.  
Blue stared into blue.  
She didn’t know what to say, and neither did he.  
Now having gotten past the surprise, she took a better look at him.  
He seemed tired, and stubble had begun to grow on his cheeks.  
He as well seemed to get a better look at her, his eyes looking over her hair.  
For a moment, she felt slightly self-conscious as he looked over her new locks.  
She cleared her throat and he looked away.  
“I’m going to get your clothes and put them in the dryer downstairs,” she said. He nodded and she went back to the bathroom, grabbing the clothes he had come in with.  
They were slightly soaked and she took them in hand and went back to the main room.  
“You can sit down, Bill. I’ll be back,” she said, not looking at him as she went to the door. She put on her slippers then headed out her apartment room and took the stairs to the laundry room.  
It wasn’t far of a trip, but it would occupy some time.  
She went through the motions of putting the clothes in and setting a drying time.  
Then it was back up the stairs.  
Back up to her room, and to Bill.  
She wondered what she would be able to say to him, she had after all been the one to leave so suddenly.  
She rentered her apartment room, having left it unlocked she was able to slip in. She then took off her slippers and closed and locked the door.  
When she turned, Bill wasn’t on the couch like she had expected him to be.  
“Bill?” she called softly, but for a moment she hadn’t even heard herself.  
She walked softly down the narrow hallway and found him in the kitchen. He was looking through her fridge.  
“If you’re hungry, you can get something to eat,” she told him.  
He looked up at her, straightening up as well and closing the fridge.  
“I’m not. I just wanted to make sure you were eating,” he said gently.  
That pulled at her heartstrings. It was so like before, when he would worry about her getting preoccupied in her work and forgetting to eat.  
Then silence once more.  
His eyes were so childlike, almost appearing boyish in how shy and gently they looked her over.  
“I’m gonna go sit back down in the living room. We have to talk,” she said.  
There was no use avoiding it.  
She walked out and heard him follow her.  
She sat on the couch again as she had done before he had arrived.  
He sat as well, though he barely fit in the small couch, given his long gangly figure. Even her largest sweatpants she had given him, fit snug and like capris.  
She knew they would have to discuss them, and her reasons for leaving and why he had to leave now. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing in her life ever was.  
“Bill, you’re going to need to go back to Arkansas,” she started. His eyes were doing that forebodingly sad look that he always gave her when they argued.  
“Eventually, I will,” he said then reluctantly added, “but you’ll be coming back with me won’t you?”  
Biting her lip to keep from crying, she shook her head.  
“Bill I left for a reason. I can’t go back,” she told him. She was struggling to look at him, she was struggling to see the heartbreak play out on his face, the heartbreak that no doubt mirrored hers.  
This is why she had left at night while he had been out. It had been a clean-break, simple and unsatisfying, but less emotional for the both of them.  
“But-but, who’s going to finish all the mocha cake in the fridge? Who’s going to force me to be punctual? I need you, Hillary,” he said, his voice but a stammer.  
He needs me, she thought.  
Need was a funny word.  
One needed air as well, but did one love air?  
He seemed to know what she was thinking, as always.  
“I love you, Hillary. I am in love with you and always will be,” he said, his voice almost pleading.  
She sighed, because she knew it was true.  
He did love her.  
He had written her the most beautiful love letters and the deepest laughs she had ever experienced were his doing.  
“It is like you’re two different people sometimes,” she whispered.  
Because how could someone who loved her that much also hurt her so badly?  
And yet she knew he didn’t mean to hurt her. It was all so paradoxical and confusing.  
“I know, I know. I’ll get help, I’ll do anything. Just please come home,” he begged. It was true begging. He pleaded with his eyes and every curve of his face took on a pleaful expression.  
“I can’t. I can’t go back to the fighting and just seeming like a bother to you. We’re not good for each other, Bill,” she said.  
Every word was a dagger to her chest.  
His blue eyes grew even more wide, like storm clouds.  
“You don’t bother me, you never do. We’re made for each other. I told you back at Yale that I felt like we were destined to be together, and I meant it then and I do now,” he said with so much passion that for a moment she was slightly stunned.  
She knew of his political ambitions and she had seen him take command in the classrooms he worked in.  
When he chose the right words he could stun audiences into silence.  
Now, she was the audience.  
The silence only ended when his stomach began to grumble.  
She grabbed the bowl of soup on the counter and gave it to him, along with the spoon she had been using.  
“Here, eat this,” she said.  
He did, feasting on it as though he hadn’t had food in days.  
“When was the last time you ate?” she asked. She was genuinely interested and she hoped to move the conversation to a more simple line of questioning.  
“When I ate dinner at your parents’ house last night,” he answered off-handedly.  
He had gone a full day without eating.  
“Bill, you’re gonna get yourself sick being out in the snow like that and not eating,” she scolded slightly.  
He shrugged, still eating the soup.  
“I needed to find you,” he said softly.  
That reminded her of something she had been wondering earlier.  
“How did you find me? I only told my mother I was in New York City and working at a law firm.”  
He gave her a sad smile.  
“Simple. I found the most prestigious law firm and asked about you. You always make a name for yourself, Hillary,” he said proudly.  
She supposed given her track record and history it wouldn’t have been difficult to find her. Bill was right. Name the most prestigious law firm, and she was there.  
“Finding your apartment was the kicker. They weren’t allowed to tell me where you live for privacy reasons, but I just looked in the phone book of newly leased apartments and went from there,” he said.  
She felt butterflies in her stomach at the effort he had gone through to find her. If it were anyone else it might be alarming, but with Bill it was just charming.  
“And how did you get so wet? You didn’t bring your car or take a cab?” she asked, interested now.  
“I drove here. I left my car in a parking garage a little outside the city when I realized the fastest way to move in New York is really through subways and that sort of thing. I got wet because I’ve been out on foot all day, looking for you. Walking gave me a sense of control. I sometimes ran,” he said, laughing and sounding a bit insecure at the end.  
She sighed, but couldn’t help the smile that was coming upon her face.  
The thought of Bill, this country boy from Arkansas, navigating through the city trying to find her made her laugh.  
There was heat in the room, and not just from the soup.  
The heat came from their eyes and the way each looked at the other with such contemplation.  
Without noticing, she had graviated closer to him on the couch.  
He reached out and lightly toyed with one of her cropped curls.  
“You cut your hair, why?” he asked, curiously.  
“I thought if I cut it, and you came here and saw it you wouldn’t want me anymore,” she admitted. Then she felt tears in her eyes. The tears were about more than the hair. It was about how much she loved him, and how it had been so hard to leave him.  
“Oh my girl,” he said with so much emotion,”there’s nothing you could ever do to yourself that would make me not want you.”  
He wiped her tears away, the empty soup bowl now long forgotten in his lap.  
She stared into his eyes and knowing the kiss that would no doubt come, she cleared her throat and jumped up from the couch crossing her arms.  
“This doesn’t change a thing. I’ve built a new life for myself here, and I meant what I said in the note I left you, it’s not working, we’re not working,” she said.  
She had a good view of the snow falling from her window and fell it did, each snowflake a tribute to her breaking heart.  
“I guess I should get going then?” he asked, though it was a reluctant suggestion.  
She was going to agree, but then she remembered his car was too far away, it was still snowing, and his clothes were still in the dryer.  
“Yes, but tomorrow. You’re in no condition to go anywhere tonight. You can sleep in the tub,” she suggestd.  
Bill’s lips pursued up in a smile.  
“The tub is still wet,” he said.  
And so it was, given that he had showered in it, not that long ago.  
“Well there’s the couch,” she said, hesitantly but they both knew the couch was too rigid and small for him.  
Her heart was beating at the thought of sharing her bed with him.  
“I can sleep on the couch it’s fine,” he said, gently, no doubt trying to make her feel comfortable.  
But even if he were to sleep on the couch, given that she hadn’t lived here too long, she did not have any spare blankets to give him.  
He was in a way stuck here on her behalf, and she didn’t want him to ruin his back sleeping on the couch.  
“You can sleep in my bed, but just sleep,” she said, emphasizing the word sleep.  
He nodded.  
“Well come on then, I might as well show you the bedroom, since it is quite late,” she said, her face flushing.  
She ushered him into her room. It was simple, just a queen sized bed and a printed calendar with animals on the wall.  
“I’m going to go brush my teeth I’ll be back,” she said.  
She made her way to the bathroom and did just that. She foamed extra bubbles and scrapped at her tongue even longer to delay having to see him.  
It was still so strange having him here.  
Even stranger because she was still set in them being apart.  
She hadn’t forgotten his brief moment of happiness that had caused her to leave.  
She wanted him to be truly happy, always, and they couldn’t be together because of that.  
Then there were his other women..  
If he was here looking for her did that mean he hadn’t moved any into the house with him?  
She stopped that line of thinking in its tracks. It didn’t matter. Her and Bill were no longer together, and his brief escapade and visit today did not change that.  
She finished brushing her teeth and washing her face then went back to her room.  
Bill was already tucked into bed, taking his usual left side.  
Slowly she tiptoed into the room and into the bed.  
Her bedroom was dark, but the window was open slightly so that the neon blue sign that belonged to a liquor store next door served as a night-light.  
They laid in silence, listening to the other’s breathing.  
“I’ll get your clothes out of the dryer tomorrow. It’s past laundry hours so no one else will be going down there tonight,” she said just for something to say.  
“Alright,” he responded.  
Then, she rolled over onto her side, her back facing away from him. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself to sleep but it was even more difficult with him so close yet so far away.  
In truth, she had experienced trouble sleeping these last two weeks given as she had been sleeping alone for the first time in quite a while.  
She could hear him toss and turn and try to fluff up the extra pillow he was using.  
It went on like that for quite some time.  
“Bill, I have work tomorrow,” she complained.  
“I’m sorry, Hillary. I just can’t sleep,” he said.  
She knew why, and perhaps it was the same reason as hers.  
Still, she suffered in silence a while longer.  
After so long, Bill spoke again.  
“Hillary, this is ridiculous. Can’t we just cuddle? I’m so used to your body heat that I need it to sleep, and like you said, you have work tomorrow,” Bill said, clearly exasperated.  
She chewed her lip and thought about it.  
There would be no harm in it, since they would just be sleeping after all.  
Besides, it would be better than both of them staying awake the whole night in awkward silence.  
“Okay, yes we can cuddle,” she said.  
He assumed their usual position, his arms going around her waist and his face burying itself in her hair.  
Her heart beated even faster but every muscle in her body relaxed upon feeling his usual touch.  
Bill kept the cuddling to strictly platonic cuddling and she was appreciative of that.  
Already, she could feel herself lulling to sleep.  
“Hillary?” Bill asked, his voice sounding more boyish than ever.  
She grunted in response.  
“Thank you for taking care of me tonight,” he said ever so gently.  
Even half asleep her heart did flip-flops at the way he said it.  
But all she could say was, “in the morning you go,” and her once happy heart was already breaking just thinking of his departure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading:)


	5. trimmed

When he woke up it was still really early.  
In fact, Hillary’s alarm had still not gone off.  
Sunlight was beginning to peak through the little crack she had left from her window.  
Yet, Hillary slept on.  
Becoming more awake now, his heart began to race at how they had ended up.  
She was facing toward him, snuggling into his chest.  
Her face seemed so at peace and her lips were parted slightly.  
Her freshly cropped curls fell over her face, making her appear more angelic.  
She had been foolish to think that cutting her hair would make his attraction to her lessen. In a way it only endeared her to him more. He could see more of her face with the short crop.  
More to the point that he was so in love with her, it didn’t matter what happened to her on the surface.  
Long hair, short hair, no hair.  
He loved Hillary for who she was.  
She shifted slightly, moaning in her sleep and the little sound made his knees weak.  
On occasion she would speak in her sleep, and on occasion he would hear her say his name.  
While last night had not been one of those occasions, he still held out hope that he would hear it again.  
She shifted once more, and he saw confusion register on her face.  
Then her eyes opened and like a child, that confusion turn to realisation.  
“Bill?” She asked.  
He smiled slightly, suspecting that she must be wondering if he was really there.  
He himself had often imagined her everywhere since they had parted ways.  
“Good morning,” he said shyly. He didn’t know how to approach her.  
Normally, he would kiss her and shower her with affection, but he doubted that she would deem those acts appropriate in the present time.  
She sat up, moving slightly away from him.  
“My alarm didn’t go off,” she muttered and glanced around the room. He had noticed that besides her small dresser, she didn’t have any drawers or vanities, so she had put her alarm clock under her bed. It stirred something within him because that was a trait she had picked up from him, since when they had lived together at Yale, he had often put his alarm under the bed.  
He saw her bend over and reach for it now, her pink top rising in nature as she did so, revealing a bit of her skin on her lower back.  
That skin was tempting and he had kissed it often.  
He longed to do so now.  
“It’s still so early,” Hillary went on muttering to herself. She had returned to sitting upright, the little alarm in her hands.She fiddled with it to turn it off.  
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he settled for saying.  
There was so much more he wanted to say, but how did he bring it up?  
How does one bring up the subject of being irrevocably in love and in longing, longing for her to come home.  
How did he explain to her how he felt that night when he had returned home and she wasn’t there?  
“You didn’t, I just had a strange dream that’s all,” she said.  
And though her blue eyes were looking at him as if he were a stranger he decided to approach the subject he had been so reluctant to bring up.  
Though his heart pounded and his palms were beginning to moisten with anticipation, he could no longer hold it back.  
It would be impossible to hold back these words that threatened to eat at him.  
Impossible given that he was wearing her clothes, was in her bed, smelled of her, and that she was so close yet so far.  
“Hillary, we need to talk. I mean really talk too, enough of this stranger talk. It’s straining me. Talk to me like you used to,” he begged.  
Something stirred within her clear irises. Then she sighed.  
“Bill I don’t know what to say to you. You show up here even though I didn’t ask you to,” she said, but now she did sound more like herself.  
It seemed that perhaps at last they had dropped the polite, walking on eggshells dialogue they had settled into the night before.  
“I needed to make sure you were safe and alright. You left in the dead of night and you hardly took any money,” he said. He was aware that it sounded as if he were chastising her but after his initial shock and despair of her leaving he had grown concerned.  
“I needed to leave you enough to pay the rent and I was fine,Bill. I always travel, you know that,” she said. She stood up from the bed and went to her dresser rummaging through it to pick out something to wear.  
“Is that what you are doing now? Traveling?” He asked. Despite everything indicating otherwise, he still held out hope that this wasn’t permanent. That she hadn’t left him behind intentionally.  
“No, Bill. I told you last night. I’ve built a new life for myself here and I’m not going back to Arkansas,” she said.  
She turned around again, her clothes in her hands.  
Her face seemed too calm and collected.  
It bothered him. Didn’t she care?  
“Do you even care, Hillary? You just up and leave like if nothing, like I’m nothing to you,” he said.  
“I care, of course I care. I’ve cared so much, but after a while I get tired of crying. I get tired of asking you to come home and not be out all night. I get tired of finding you with someone else. You mean everything to me, and if it seems like I don’t care it’s because that is a better alternative than falling to pieces,” she said, raising her voice.  
It was the most ‘Hillary’ he had seen her at.  
Her voice was passionate and her eyes were flames, for a moment he even saw a brief flash of those tears she had been trying to keep back.  
He had been wrong to think she didn’t care.  
Of course she cared.  
It was Hillary.  
Ever since he had met her he had found quickly that she had an opinion for everything, that she felt everything so deeply.  
He himself felt shame, because of course everything she said was true.  
If they were apart he only had himself to blame.  
“I only ever wanted to love you,” he whispered more to himself than to her, but from the softening of her eyes he could tell she had heard.  
She didn’t have a chance to respond however because they were interrupted by a knocking at the door.  
Her eyes changed from soft to stricken, tossing her clothes on the bed as she left the bedroom to answer the front door. He followed her.  
She refastened her robe before opening the door.  
When she did, to his irritation, he found that a man was standing there, a man around his own age.  
“Bad timing?” The man asked, looking them over. His eyes looked even more suspiciously over Bill.  
“No, Robbie, your timing is perfect. I just forgot we were having breakfast this morning. Can you give me a few minutes? I can meet you down in the lobby,” Hillary answered.  
Bill was gathering that they knew each other, and from the way this Robbie character looked at Hillary with such admiration, he didn't like it one bit.  
“Of course,” he replied gently. Hillary gave him her thanks and closed the door.  
Immediately he started in on her.  
“Who is that guy, Hillary?” he asked. He hated the jealousy in his voice. He had always been jealous, not obnoxiously so but now that they were in limbo he felt a bit more threatened. He didn’t want anyone coming between them, especially not when he had come here with the sole purpose to repent and ask Hillary’s forgiveness.  
“He’s a colleague from work,” she answered, rolling her eyes. She went back to her bedroom and of course he followed.  
“Just a colleague?” He probed.  
“Bill, I’m going to change clothes,” she said exasperated as he opened the door and followed her in.  
He didn’t move, he had seen her change many times.  
She must have come to the same conclusion because she just begun to change in front of him.  
“He’s a friend,” she said answering his question.  
If he hadn’t been so jealous he would have been more aroused by her slipping her wool stockings over her undergarments.  
“Is he why you won’t come home?” he asked.  
He could tell she was enjoying this, she was biting her lip to keep from laughing as she dressed. .  
"You're being ridiculous, he's just a friend," she said. .  
Maybe so, but God help him if at times it didn’t drive him wild with how he had often caught many men and women alike gazing at Hillary with want.  
She was so unaware of how desirable she was.  
She finished changing slipping on a warm-looking brown cardigan, and sliding easily into her durable appearing black shoes.  
His mother had often made fun of Hillary’s wardrobe, given that all the gray, browns, and beiges were too drab for her taste, but Bill loved it.  
Hillary brought statement to her clothing, when one saw her, they saw Hillary and the presence she brought to her clothing, her personality and character making her so much brighter.  
She wasn’t like other women, especially the other women he had been with that would try to overcompensate with fake jewels and neon colors.  
As she walked by him to head towards the restroom, he gently caught her wrist.  
“We were just friends once,” he said.  
He knew she would get his meaning.  
When they had met at Yale, she had already been seeing someone else. Though she and the young man hadn’t been exclusive, they had still been together when Bill and Hillary had gone on their first date and they had kissed and done so much more when they had been alone in the grounds of the art museum.  
“Bill,” she seemed to tremble at his touch and she looked up at him with longing.  
He wasn’t used to having to restrain himself from touching her, and neither was she. In the beginning they had been quite handsy with each other.  
He wanted to kiss her, and he bent down to do so when she turned away.  
Gently, she tore herself away from him and went to the restroom.  
Again, he followed her, walking in on her as she brushed her teeth.  
“Why won’t you let me kiss you? I thought you liked kissing me,” he said.  
She spat out the paste and bubbles that had been foaming at her mouth.  
“Too many women have enjoyed kissing you, that’s the problem,” she said, angrily.  
She rinsed her mouth and moved on to quickly combing her hair.  
So she was mad. She had every right to be.  
Christ, he was mad at himself for ever trying to seek comfort in someone else’s arms.  
How did he explain to her that he wanted to stop? How did he explain to her that no one meant anything to him the way she did? And how did he explain to her that despite it all he loved her?  
There were no words about the matter that hadn’t been said.  
It was a never ending cycle.  
He would tell her these things and they would cry together, he would promise to stop and then he would fail again.  
“So what you’re going to go kiss that guy to get back at me? He seems like your type, brown George Clooney eyes and dark hair?” he asked. He took the coward’s way, he was hurt so he used these words as a defensive mechanism even though they were far from what he wanted to say.  
“Who I kiss is none of your business,” she said. She turned to face him and given that he had been standing behind her, they were unbearably close now.  
Her hands rested on his chest, perhaps initially to push him away but she didn’t push, she just kept her hands resting there.  
He could see the struggle in her eyes.  
It was the same one in his.  
“I want us to end on a good note, Bill. That’s why I left the way I did. You can come to breakfast with us if you’d like, just to put your mind at ease and to see that there is nothing going on between us. After that, I want you to leave and go back to Arkansas,” she said.  
He sighed.  
She had already given him far more than he had deserved, taking him in from the cold and clothing him. He didn’t want to leave, not without her, but in the end he wanted her love willingly, he would never force her to do anything.  
“Alright,” he agreed.  


After he had changed, picking his clothes up from the dryer, they had gone to a pancake diner, though other breakfast foods were also served.  
Bill had kept close to Hillary, still unsure of this Robbie fellow.  
Though, he had learned more about the man.  
He had learned that he had worked at the firm Hillary did for a year now, having moved from Georgia to New York.  
He had also learned that initially the two had been supposed to have breakfast with some other colleagues, but given court dates and work matters, only he had been able to attend.  
That had made Bill more than a little glad, being as Hillary hadn’t intentionally wanted to be with the man alone.  
Now as they sat in a booth in the diner, Bill had managed to sit next to Hillary on one side while Robbie sat across.  
On the way to the diner, the conversation had been minimal and polite, if not at times awkward.  
The subway and loud New York City streets hadn’t allowed for much chatter, but now in this diner chatter was to be expected. He had listened politely as Hillary and her colleague had talked about work matters and the cases they were working on while they had waited for the food.  
“Would you like the ketchup, Hillary?” Robbie asked, holding it up.  
In typical Hillary fashion, she had ordered soft scrambled eggs with a side of toast.  
“Hillary doesn’t like ketchup. Usually she prefers hot sauce,” Bill couldn’t stop himself from interrupting.  
Hillary kicked him under the table.  
Robbie passively put the ketchup down and nodded.  
“How do you two know each other then?” he asked.  
“Bill’s a friend,” Hillary said.  
“We dated,” Bill said.  
They had responded simultaneously, causing Robbie to raise his eyebrows.  
“We dated and now we are just friends,” Hillary said, clearing up the confusion.  
“I see,” was all Robbie said.  
“Bill is a licensed lawyer too,” Hillary said, clearly trying to direct the conversation elsewhere.  
Robbie seemed interested in that.  
“Really? Where did you graduate from?” he asked him.  
“Yale, same as Hillary,” Bill replied.  
“I myself graduated from Harvard.”  
He had to keep himself from rolling his eyes at that.  
“Hillary was considering Harvard, but decided on Yale after a faculty member made a sexist comment about Harvard not needing anymore women,” Bill said smugly.  
The implication was clear, had it not been for that faculty member’s comment, Hillary might have gone to Harvard, but instead she had gone to Yale and met him.  
It gave him perhaps more satisfaction than it should that he had met Hillary before this man.  
“Yeah, she’s told me that anecdote before,” Robbie replied.  
Bill simply raised his brows and finished eating his french toast.  
Hillary seemed to be blushing tremendously but also just continued to eat.  
After a few moments of this, Robbie excused himself to the restroom.  
Then, he braced himself, because he knew Hillary would be starting in on him.  
“Bill why are you acting like that? I told you he’s a friend and you’re making him uncomfortable!” She asked, at last turning her body so she was facing him in the booth.  
Her skin seemed a creamy ivory in the diner light and her eyes popped even more, cerulean against ivory.  
“He likes you, Hillary I can tell,” he replied. It was true. Though he hid it better than most men, Robbie’s eyes had wandered to Hillary’s lips several times and he seemed all too eager to laugh at her jokes.  
“Friends tend to like each other,” she said, rolling her own eyes.  
It stunned him how though she was clearly frustrated with him, he was still so in love with her. The way her eyes became heated with frustration and her lips turned into a hard line was still a beautiful sight.  
“Your mother wouldn’t like him, he’s too much of a pretty boy,” he joked. He saw that coax a small smile from her.  
“No, perhaps not, but I think my father would,” she said. She seemed to be relaxed yet serious at the same time. To him, she had always seemed better able at balancing her emotions than he had, his little balance beam, he had often been fond of calling her.  
“Your father likes anyone who isn’t me,” Bill said, matter of factly.  
“Exactly,” she replied, to which they both laughed.  
It was a different kind of laugh, almost strained and tired yet filled with exuberance. He gathered that it came from the fact that they each had a bunch of shared hurt between them.  
“Your mother never liked me either,” Hillary said. “What did she say when I left?”  
She laid back against the booth now, her eyes ever watchful, curious.  
It was the same curiosity he had been accustomed to seeing in their shared classes and in seminars.  
“I didn’t tell her,” he said truthfully. In fact, he hadn’t told anyone.  
It was a small town, word would get around soon enough and he hadn’t felt the need to spread it himself.  
“Why?” She probed.  
“I didn’t want to admit to having lost you,” he said, his voice going a bit dim. That was the heart of it, he couldn’t bear to admit to their friends and his family that she had left him.  
Her expression softened and she cupped his cheek in her hand.  
“You haven’t shaved? How did the university you teach at allow this? You look more like a student than a professor,” she joked.  
And in that moment she reminded him of why he had fallen in love with her.  
She wasn’t being cruel to him, despite having deserved it. He had never seen her be cruel to anyone.  
She was good.  
So good.  
He turned his head a little to kiss her hand and the brief contact between skin and lips caused a shock to ignite between them.  
She took her hand away but her eyes remained fixated on him.  
At that moment Robbie, having returned from the restroom, cleared his throat.  
“If you two are finished, I think we should be heading to the firm, it is nearly time to start,” he said.  
Bill agreed, and while they asked for the check, he didn’t lose sight of how Hillary had seemed all too reluctant to pull away from his touch.  


“I guess this is goodbye, then,” he said. They were at the subway station.  
Hillary and her colleague were going to depart to work, while he would be going outside the city to retrieve his car, and go back to Arkansas.  
“I guess so,” Hillary said.  
A little curl had looped and fallen over onto her forehead.  
She was trying to hide it, but in her eyes, he could see that she was dissatisfied.  
It was again too simple.  
How could he just leave?  
How could she just let him?  
“Do you have enough money to get back to your car? Cab money tends to add up,” she said, changing the subject.  
He saw her snap open her little brown purse.  
“Hillary. I’m fine. I don’t want your money,” he said. He began to reach in his back pocket for his wallet.  
To his astonishment it wasn’t there.  
“What is it?” Hillary asked, picking up his change of mood quickly.  
“My wallet is gone,” he stammered.  
How long had it been missing?  
Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure.  
Hillary had paid for everyone at the diner in her usual manner so he hadn’t had much cause to reach for his wallet until this very moment.  
“Bill,” Hillary began to scold but then her voice softened, “did you have it with you this morning?”  
He couldn’t remember.  
This morning..  
All he could remember this morning was how close she had been to him when they had woken up and how warm she had felt.  
“I don’t remember,” he said.  
Robbie had come closer.  
“Hill, the sub is coming in five minutes. Is something the matter?” he asked. He seemed irritated that Bill was still there.  
“Bill lost his wallet,” Hillary replied, not giving her colleague much attention. She snapped her purse shut. “Bill check your coat pockets, sometimes you put it there.”  
He did.  
Still, his pockets were vacant.  
His eyes met Hillary’s and she was concerned.  
“Must have been a pick-pocket. Happened to me when I first moved here,” Robbie, stated.  
He supposed that was the only logical explanation.  
Come to think of it, he had been sure he had taken his wallet out before he had changed into Hillary’s clothes.  
“Hillary, the sub is here,” Robbie interrupted.  
Bill saw her squeeze her eyes shut as if thinking.  
Then she popped them open again.  
“Robbie, tell John I’m not coming in today. It is an emergency,” she surprised him by saying.  
Her colleague seemed just as surprised.  
But the sub was flooding with people and he didn’t have much time to contemplate it.  
“Alright,” Robbie replied. He lingered there for a moment, but at last disappeared into the sea of people.  
Bill himself just stared at Hillary.  
She was missing work for him?  
That was very rare.  
Even in their happier times he had to beg her to take off work to be with him.  
“What? I’m not going to let you wander aimlessly in the city alone without any money. You would do the same for me,” she said.  
He could see her cheeks turn rosy however, no longer having her long locks to hide it.  
She was right, however, as usual.  
He would do the same if the positions were reversed.  
“Thank you,” was all he could think to say. “So do you want to go back to my apartment and check to see if you left your wallet there? We have a lost and found in the lobby,” She suggested, ushering him with her out of the subway station.  
“Yeah that sounds like a good idea,” he said. His heart thumped however at the thought of being alone with her again.  
She pushed her hair out of her face, and he didn’t miss her uber trimmed nails.  
Had she noticed him looking at them, he was sure she would have flushed scarlet again.  
“Hillary?” he asked, looking down at her.  
“Yes?” she asked back, looking up.  
“What happened to me leaving in the morning?” he teased slightly.  
He saw her lips upturn in a sly manner.  
“It seems as though you are more difficult to get rid of than I imagined, Clinton,” she replied.


	6. locket

“Hello, Calvin. My friend Bill here has lost his wallet and we were wondering if we could see the lost and found box,” she said to the landlord’s son who often worked the front desk.  
He was a simple and quiet young man, very shy and still in high school.  
Hillary liked him all the same because he was polite and even though she could tell he fancied her, he had never gone out of line.  
“Here you go,” he said handing her the gray bin and going back to sorting out paperwork.  
He wasn’t usually very chatty but she suspected Bill’s presence wasn’t doing in him any favors in terms of being talkative.  
Bill..  
She felt him brush up behind her as he looked over her head and into the bin as well.  
Though the contact was brief, it made her cheeks flush and she hoped he hadn’t noticed.  
He sighed, and from his close proximity she felt his breath on the back of her neck and it reminded her all too much of their more intimate times.  
“It’s not there, Hillary,” he said stating the obvious.  
Though he was clearly frustrated he pronounced her name sweetly, the syllables falling like honey from his lips.  
She didn’t know what to make of this.  
“I guess we could always do a sweep through my apartment room,” she opted for saying.  
He grunted in agreement, and she turned to go up the winding stairs to her, telling Calvin they were done with the bin on the way.  
She could feel Bill’s presence and hear the familiarity of his footsteps as he followed her to room.  
Once there, she paused digging in her purse to retrieve her key.  
She was aware of Bill watching her and she tried not to feel self-conscious as she unlocked the door.  
“Go ahead,” she told him, holding open the door.  
He did so, raising his brows.  
Hillary herself entered after him locking the door behind them.  
They were alone again, and she though she told herself it was nothing her heart betrayed her by thumping.  
“It’s okay, Hillary it probably won’t be here either,” he said, scratching at the stubble on his face.  
She knew that, nevertheless she replied, “There’s no harm in checking.”  
Her eyes swept the main living room where they had sat on the couch but it was such a tidy space with little possibility of anything getting lost there.  
Aware of him still watching her, she turned to go into her bedroom to check, but his gentle hand at her elbow paused her.  
“That Calvin boy likes you,” he said amused.  
She turned to look at him and when she did her heart nearly imploded.  
He stood there smiling at her, his brown hair curling in every direction.  
“You think that about every man,” she said, biting her lip to keep from smiling at the familiarity of all this.  
She knew Bill to be a jealous man, and his little stunt he had pulled with her colleague at the diner was still too fresh in her mind.  
“And I’ve been right every time,” he replied, searching her face as if to find answers.  
With his other free hand, he lightly caressed her hair, pushing a loose curl back from her face.  
All too soon, he broke their contact, letting her go and entering her bedroom ahead of her.  
She remained in the hall for a moment, slightly befuddled from the way he had been so sensual with such a little touch and then move on from it as if nothing.  
When she entered her bedroom, she found him squatting on the floor in search of the missing wallet.  
“It’s not here,” he said standing up and straightening up, “just like I said it wouldn’t be.”  
Mind still turning over his touch, she shook her head to clear her thoughts.  
“Um, you should call your bank, let them know your wallet has been stolen so they can put a hold on your account,” she said.  
He clapped his hands once as if in realisation.  
“You’re right. You see, what would I do without you?” he stated as he walked past her and out into the living room again where her telephone was.  
Once she was alone, she closed the door to her room and slid down until she sat on the floor with her head between her knees.  
Like a mantra she repeated, you do not love Bill Clinton, you do not love Bill Clinton.  
But it was a fool’s errand, her heart couldn’t be commanded by her mind.  
She let her fingers clutch at her newly cropped hair as she tried to wish the affection she felt away.  
She had spent many nights alone just doing this, hoping and wishing that one day she would wake up to no longer love him because it would be so much more simple.  
In her heart of hearts, she knew that despite her feeble wishes, that if a genie were to appear to her and offer to grant her wish, she wouldn’t go through with it.  
Even now as she heard him speak over the telephone, her pulse raced.  
She thought of many weekends when he would make phone calls and she would make him ‘those god-awful pancakes of yours, Rodham,’ and it would end with her sitting on his lap and nibbling at his ear while he tried not to laugh.  
But she knew she couldn’t stay on the floor forever, and she had never been one to avoid her problems.  
So she stood up, straightened her dress and opened the door.  
Heading into the living room, she no longer heard Bill speak over the phone.  
He was sitting on the same couch as last night, the phone on the counter and his hands crossed.  
Looking up when he saw her, she noticed his eyes seemed far too melancholy, the sort of melancholy one would expect on an older man’s face.  
“You don’t love me,” he whispered.  
The way he stated it, it was clear he had heard her mantra to herself.  
He must have come back to her room to ask her a question or something of the sort when he had found the door closed and heard her whispering to herself, Hillary contemplated.  
“Bill,” she started to protest, but she found that she had no words.  
What could she tell him?  
How could she explained that she loved him but she couldn’t be with him?  
Her silence seemed to discourage him more.  
“Don’t worry, Hillary. I’ll be on my way now,” he said a bit angrily and standing up.  
He walked to her apartment door, nearly opening it to leave when her voice stopped him.  
“Bill, wait. You don’t have your wallet and no access to your money. How are you going to get anywhere?” She asked. Despite it all, she was still concerned for him.  
He ran a hand through his hair.  
“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out,” he said, still frustrated.  
She knew his anger was a defensive mechanism, he was really hurting.  
Though her heart raced and she knew she should let him go, she couldn’t do it.  
She had to help him, she couldn’t let him fend for himself and risk something happening to him in the big city.  
“Well I want to help you. I can help you get to your car at least,” she offered.  
“I wouldn’t want to be a bother to you,” he said a bit snarkily.  
She sighed.  
“Bill, what you heard me say, I didn’t mean it like-” She tried to explain but he cut her off.  
“No it is fine, Hillary. I understand. I don’t want to cause you anymore trouble,” he said.  
“Bill Clinton, you’re not going anywhere without me and that’s final,” she said walking over to him and opening the door herself.  
She looked up at him and she saw that his eyes were still stern as he looked down at her.  
However, if there was one thing they knew, it was that once she set her mind to something, she wasn’t easily swayed.  
She stepped out of her apartment door and after a moment, he followed.  
Her head laid against the window of a street bus they had been able to catch that would take them far enough to where Bill’s car was.  
Eventually they would have to stop and perhaps take a cab to get to their final destination, but she didn’t mind.  
She knew her way around the city quite well.  
The familiar noises of cars and feet running on pavement was soothing, especially given that it broke the silence between her and Bill.  
Bill..  
He was being uncharastically silent, having only spoken to her to offer her the window seat which he knew she preferred.  
In a way, she felt regret.  
It wasn’t as if she had wanted him to hear herself-mantra.  
Glancing up at him now, however, she saw that he was smiling.  
“You’re still wearing the necklace I gave you,” he said.  
Then, she realized she had indeed been fiddling with the little heart-shaped locket he had gifted to her a few years ago at Yale.  
In it was a picture of the two of them together, and a few strands of his curly hair.  
Of course Bill knew all this, which was why he was smiling so largely.  
“It’s a habit to have it on,” she said, shifting slightly.  
That was true to a certain extent. Ever since he had gifted the locket to her, she had worn it. In a lot of ways it became a second skin, not coming off even when she slept or showered.  
When she had moved to New York, she hadn’t felt the need to remove it.  
She told herself it was due to the fact that she rather liked the necklace and it was a nice accessory.  
However, deep down she had known that in a way to shed off the necklace now would be as difficult task as having left him.  
Still, she had nearly forgotten about it until now.  
“Just a habit,” she reiterated, tucking the locket behind her clothing again.  
“Whatever you say, Hillary,” he replied, seeming more pleased than he had previously been.  
They fell into silence again.  
As she glanced out the window, she could his warmth radiating from his seat.  
It took everything within her to force herself not to lay her head on his shoulder and curl up into him like they used to.  
Bill had told her the location of his car in one of the parking garages just outside the city.  
The bus would take them part of the way, and then they would need to walk again.  
She tried to rest now, grateful that she had worn her loafers instead of the heels a colleague had convinced her to buy.  
Trying to ignore Bill’s presence was no small matter however, he radidated warmth and she longed to be engulfed in that warmth in the ways she was so used to.  
All too soon, the bus came to a stop and upon checking the drop off point, she knew it was there stop.  
Bill got off first since he was in the aisle seat, and as she descended the bus steps she saw him waiting for her, his hand outstretched as always. This had been another of their customs being as she was short and the steps were too high above the ground.  
So she accepted his hand. However, she nearly tripped all the same, graciously landing into his chest.  
“Are you alright?” Bill asked, chuckling as his arms went naturally around her.  
“Yes,” she replied and straightened her glasses. Looking up, she saw that he was gazing down at her with such a soft and intense expression that her heart did somersaults.  
Instantly, she broke from his embrace.  
“I think we only have a mile or so left until we get to your car,” she said clearing her throat.  
Only a mile or so until he leaves...taking her heart with him.  
The same thought seemed to race through Bill’s mind as a crease in his forehead begun to show.  
“Right,” he replied.  
They fell into step alongside each other, Bill protectively opting to walk on the side closest to the street.  
The silence between them was painful.  
Never had there been silence like this before, all of their previous silences and breaks in conversation being natural.  
Even more strange, it technically isn't silent at all given the pedestrians and street traffic noises that sounded like a cacophony of jungle noises. Yet the silence between her and Bill was too resounding that it transcended all that.  
“Here’s the place,” Bill said softly as they came upon a parking garage on her right side. “I parked on the street level so it should be fairly close here.”  
She guessed maybe now was the time to take her leave, but she simply followed him into the garage.  
Nearly running into him, she stopped right in front of his back as he came to a sudden halt.  
“Bill?” She asked, sidestepping to get a view of an empty parking spot.  
“I parked here,” he said, but clearly there was no car.  
Her heart began to race and she would be lying if she didn’t say that she was thrilled at the possibility of him having to stay longer.  
Stupid heart, she thought.  
“I’ll be back,” he said seeming to forget about her for a minute as he went to talk to the booth at the front of the garage.  
This couldn’t all be coincidence, maybe the universe wanted them to stay together longer for whatever reason.  
This thoughts were only more confirmed when Bill came back to her saying “my car’s been towed.”  
She barely heard him cursing about bureaucracy and stupid local laws saying that one can’t park overnight, her heart was too busy racing.  
“And get this, they towed it to a shop around thirty minutes from your apartment,” he said.  
The irony. They had come all this way out of the city only have to go back. By the time they returned it would be nightfall and perhaps the shop would have closed.  
“You can stay with me one more night, but just one more night,” she said.  
No matter how much she wanted him to stay, she knew it would only hurt more when he left.  
“Well I wouldn’t want to impose,” he said a bit tightly. She suspected he was still hurt from what he had heard her say this morning.  
Sighing reluctantly, she went up to him, taking his hand in her own.  
“You’re staying with me tonight because I need peace of mind knowing that you’re safe. Before we go back to my apartment let’s get something to eat okay?” She asked.  
He looked at her for a long time before replying ,”okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this was underwhelming, it's just a filler chapter for the next one that I like a whole lot better and I think will be more exciting. I should have it posted on Wednesday or sooner.


	7. Central Park

He found himself seated next to Hillary in a little booth of a deli restaurant.  
Unlike this morning, it was just the two of them and he hoped they would have the opportunity to talk.  
This new development of his car being towed was an inconvenience, but if it kept him close to her, then he had to take it as a sign.  
“I suppose you’ll be leaving tomorrow?” She asked.  
He glanced down at her, she was eating her sourdough ham and cheese sandwich that she had ordered.  
“Yes, don’t worry,” he replied.  
He knew he was being unfairly short with her and that was counterproductive to how he wanted to speak with her but this mornings words of her saying she didn’t love him replayed in his head.  
“Bill it’s not like that,” she protested, sounding more like herself.  
They had been walking on eggshells since he had arrived, talking politely like strained strangers forced to make small-talk.  
For whatever reason, it seemed as though Hillary was finally open to talking to him.  
“Then tell me what it’s like,” he replied.  
He didn’t understand.  
On one hand, she said she didn’t love him, kept asking him when he was leaving, and was short with him as well.  
On the other hand, she had allowed him to overstay his welcome, still wore the necklace he had gifted her, and showed genuine concern for him.  
“It’s not about what I want, Bill. Do you understand? It’s about what’s right,” she said finishing her sandwich now.  
That only confused him more.  
“No I don’t understand,” he replied.  
She seemed to hesitate between going back to being short with him or continuing to discuss what she had been so opposed to discuss upon his unexpected arrival.  
“I want to be with you. I want so much for this to work, but it’s not right. I can’t force you to be someone you’re not,” she said.  
Someone he’s not… She couldn’t force him to be faithful.  
“I’ll be anything you need me to be. I don’t care, Hillary,” he said.  
He remembered the cold empty feeling of the house after she had left and the sense of permanence it had conveyed. That feeling had scared him and it had made him realize too late how easily she could leave him. He had taken her for granted, even if not intentionally.  
HIllary only sighed and was silent for a while.  
“I don’t want to talk about us anymore. Let’s talk about something else,” she said glancing at him then glancing away.  
She had always held his gaze with her impenetrable confidence that he assumed that this was just a way of guarding her vulnerable feelings toward him. He was grateful however that she still wanted to talk.  
“Alright. Tell me about your life here. Have any friends besides that funny looking bloke from this morning?” He asked.  
That coaxed a small smile from her and he could see she was trying to bite her lips to keep from fully smiling.  
“I do actually. One of my friends from Yale was actually here, I thought you knew that so I was surprised you didn’t come looking for me sooner,” she replied.  
“You knew I’d come?” He asked picking up on what she had said.  
Her eyes widened a little and she blushed, a lovely combination of rose and cerulean and it made his heart burst.  
Hillary was beyond beautiful. He could stare at beautiful paintings all day and get tired of their beauty, not with her, her beauty more closely resembled a sunset, awe striking and different each time.  
“I suspected,” was all she said.  
He chuckled at that.  
“Do you like living here?” he asked, quick to keep her talking before she closed off completely from him.  
He already knew the answer: yes. She was a city girl through and through but he wanted to know what she would say to him. Moving to Arkansas had been a culture shock.  
“I like how fast-paced it is here. There’s lots to do. I’ve been to various museums and other attractions I haven’t seen before,” she said.  
Her body language was more open to him now, turning slightly towards him.  
“Have you walked through Central Park?” He asked.  
“Yes,” she replied.  
Before he could think better of it he blurted out, “Do you think we could walk there?”  
He watched her deliberate it with herself, her forehead creasing a little.  
“It’ll be later in the day,” she said, chewing on her lip,”but if you’re okay with that-”  
“I’m more than okay with it,” he said. Anything to be close to her.  
“Then it’s settled,” she said.  
He noticed that she was toying with the locket he had long ago gifted to her again and he did his best not to grin because he knew she would stop.  
“I’m going to head to the restroom before we leave okay?” she asked.  
Still in awe of her, he only nodded.  
“So can you please let me through?” She continued. Reality came back to him and he realized he was still sitting next to her in the booth blocking her way.  
“Yeah sorry,” he muttered side stepping out of the booth and letting her through.  
He again noticed how she bit her lip to keep from smiling. He was being so awkward with her, very much like he had been at the beginning. He had always been smooth but with Hillary, words left him.  
He waited for her, still in the booth and thought about how much more different this would all be if they were still together on good terms.  
They would have laughed about his mishaps and he would lose himself in her soft skin and she would show him the city.  
Regret didn’t cover half of what he felt.  
All too soon she was standing before him again.  
“Ready to go?” She asked, fixing her purse. He suspected she had already paid at the counter in order not to embarrass him for not having his wallet.  
“Yes,” he replied.  


He found it so hard not to touch her.  
When she had been figuring out which bus they would take back to the city and then the route to head to the park, she had been so adorable to him, muttering and planning it out in her head.  
She had always been much more task-oriented than him and he found that it complimented him greatly, half of the things he got done were because Hillary pushed him to.  
Of course, that had led to fights as well where he said she pushed him too hard but at his core he knew it’s because she wanted him to live up to his full potential.  
Now, as they sat on the bus again he did his best not to touch her.  
Before, he had noticed how difficult it was for her as well and how she had struggled to not even look at him.  
However, now she only looked out the window.  
He desperately wanted to touch her, to bury his face in her newly cropped hair. She had always been his source of comfort and now due to his own actions, he had cut off that source.  
Impulsive he took his hand in her own, hoping that she wouldn’t pull away.  
“Bill-” she protested turning to look at him.  
“Please Hillary,” he begged and to himself he sounded like a little boy.  
She must have thought the same, because she simply interlaced their fingers and went back to looking out the window.  
He was grateful for this small touch and feeling the warmth and softness of her palm in his own.  
After a while, she rested her head on his shoulder like many times before. He squeezed her hand gently and kissed the top of her head hoping she wouldn’t pull away, and she didn’t.  
Maybe she needed this as much as him.  
“Bill?” She asked, getting his attention.  
He looked down at her, she always seemed so young, retaining a sort of undying youth in the way she was always so hopeful.  
“I’m sorry about what you heard me say earlier,” she said. She looked genuine and very remorseful.  
He didn’t want her to feel that shame. He knew that she hated to hurt people and even if it was unintentional, she had a tendency to beat herself up about it.  
“It’s alright. We can talk more about it-and about us later if you’d like,” he suggested, despite his hesitation.  
He knew she hadn’t wanted to talk about their relationship back at the deli but it would be too simple just to leave without discussing the subject. So he decided to ask again, but leave it up to her and bring it up at an appropriate time.  
“I…” she seemed to be thinking, perhaps going through the same thoughts as him, “I think that sounds like a good idea.”  
He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until she said those words then he felt himself sigh in relief.  
More relaxed than he had seen her the whole day, he felt his heart nearly burst as she turned more towards facing him and snuggled into his arm while still resting against his shoulder.  
He wanted to know her thought process, why was she doing this? Perhaps she would let him know in time.  
Already she had given him more than he could imagine with the way she was curled up against him and how she had let it slip through how much she still cared for him.  
It gave him hope, and he tried to hold onto that hope.  
They rode on that way for sometime until their stop came.  
Looking down, he saw that her eyes were closed and it touched his heart. He remembered how she had woken up early because of a strange dream as she had called it, though he felt it was just a polite way to say he had woken her up.  
He hated to wake her now, but they would need to get off and walk the rest of the way.  
“Hilly,” he said, nudging her gently.  
She woke with a start and he chuckled lightly.  
“It’s our stop,” he told her, as he stood up.  
She followed.  
This time, he was sure to double check that she wouldn’t fall though it had given him a good chuckle last time. She was quite small to him and it was always a bit endearing and amusing how she often needed help with little tasks around the house.  
“I suppose we have to walk for a while now,” she said a bit dismayed.  
“Are you tired?” He asked.  
“No,” she replied.  
He smirked. She was often very resilient and he knew she would keep going all day despite being tired.  
“Yes you are. We don’t have to go to the park if you don’t want to,” he said stepping closer to her, “you’ve already seen it and if you’d rather we just go back to your apartment and sleep then that’s okay too.”  
He noticed his voice had taken a sensual tone of its own accord with her. It was always so hard for him not to be soft, sensual, and romantic with her. She always brought out this side of him.  
Her lips trembled and she blinked several times before straightening up.  
“No, I want to go I’m just-” “Afraid of being alone with me?” he teased tugging on a strand of her hair.  
“No! Stop that,” she said laughing all the same before saying, “Bill stop trying to be flirtatious with me.”  
He raised his brow.  
“Why?” He asked dumbly.  
She sighed.  
“Because it confuses me,” she said almost pained and closing her eyes a little.  
Now he felt shame. It was the same shame he had felt when he had been in her parent’s house and looking at all her school pictures of her so bright and happy.  
He had never wanted to cause her pain.  
He cupped her cheek.  
“Hey I’m sorry,” he whispered. He was applying for so much more than he could ever express.  
She opened her eyes.  
“It’s fine. Let’s just walk to the park it takes forever to get anywhere around here,” she said.  
He reluctantly let his hand fall from her face and fell into step beside her.  


It indeed had taken forever to walk to the park, but he found it had nothing to do with the distance itself but rather Hillary’s little errands and stoppings in between.  
He should have known better.  
Hillary liked to visit shops and look at knick knacks and accessories and since there were so many shops, making it to the park was one big obstacle course.  
But he didn’t complain. How could he when she was talking to him again?  
Granted, she was treating him more as a shopping companion by asking his opinion on the various perfumes she tried or the candles she liked to sniff.  
Still, it was better than nothing.  
He also got the sense that this whole shopping companion ploy was a way to have him close but keep him at a comfortable enough distance so she wouldn’t confuse herself more.  
When he had first arrived, she had been closed off so much that he had accused her of not caring.  
That couldn’t have been further from the truth.  
He now saw that the longer he was here the more it seemed as though her previous facade of trying to seem closed off was fading.  
He found himself relishing in the small things like how she would occasionally brush past him and he would briefly come in contact with her warmth.  
And he was still her sense of safety.  
He found this out by how when they had stopped at a frozen yogurt shop for a snack and a loud sound outside in the street had startled her, Hillary had instinctively reached for his hand.  
Now, as he watched her stuff the small shopping bag in her purse, he also noticed that they were coming nearer to the park and it was within view.  
He hoped they could talk more about themselves there, that had been the reason he had suggested going in the first place.  
He worried if they got back to her apartment too soon without a chance to truly talk that he would miss his window of opportunity with her.  
“Do you mind if we sit down on that bench for a moment?” She asked.  
“No I don’t,” he replied.  
As they sat down, he noticed her rubbing her shoe sole.  
“Are you alright?” He asked.  
“Yes,” she smiled sheepishly, “it’s just when I bought these shoes I guess I didn’t pay too much attention to the size and the heel slips out so I had to put a heel grip on the back.”  
He smiled.  
Hillary had never been one for fashion.  
She saw clothes as a means to an end, just a necessary part of life. Sure, she had her styles and quirks that she preferred but she wasn’t too hung up on it and this shoe business just proved that.  
“I’m sorry I dragged you around with me all day. I guess that was more than you bargained for when you came here,” she said at least satisfied with her shoe and sitting down properly.  
“Well so was getting my car towed,” he joked.  
“And losing your wallet,” she said.  
“That too.”  
Due to their detours and various stops at shops, it had gotten late. The sky was already turning indigo and soon he suspected it would be the typical navy that signified night. He was always amazed by how quickly nightfall descended.  
“Bill?” her voice broke through his thoughts. Her voice sounded smaller than usual.  
“What is it?” he asked, a bit protectively, it was wired in him that whenever she had a problem he immediately wanted to help.  
But all she said was “I’m ready to talk about us now.”  
She caught him by surprise.  
“Oh, okay. Why now?” He asked, then mentally cursed himself for even asking, worrying that she would be closed off again.  
She blushed.  
“I thought it’d be nice to talk first just in case things get too emotional. Then we can cool off by walking around the park,” she said.  
“Oh, that’s nice,” was all he could think to say.  
“So what did you want to talk about? You did come all this way to see me,” she said.  
He felt vulnerable for a moment.  
In a way she already knew or must have suspected.  
But he found it so humbling to have to say the words out loud directly now that they were talking about their relationship.  
“I want you to come home,” he said.  
Her face remained expressionless.  
“I told you I don’t think I’ll be going back to Arkansas,” she said.  
“Why?” He asked.  
“Why do you think?” She retorted and for a moment she seemed angry.  
He backtracked.  
“No, I meant do you want to live here? Because where you live isn’t the problem. I’d like you to come home with me but if you want to stay here that’d be fine too as long as you’re with me,” he replied.  
They had done long distance before and though it pained him he would do it again if it gave him the promise of her.  
“Bill where I live isn’t the problem, we both know what is,” she said.  
They had come full circle to the topic he hated most, but was the cause of all their turmoil: his infidelity.  
“It stops now, Hillary,” he said with as much conviction as he could muster.  
“You’ve said that before,” she whispered, “why is this time different?”  
“Because this time you left me an-and that scared me, Hilly,” he said.  
It was true, he’ll never forget the silence of the house without her, the begging and hoping that she would be tucked in their bed. That night would haunt him forever.  
“So say I take you back and things go back to normal. What’s stopping you from just doing it again? It loses its effect if I leave again because you’ll just expect that I’ll take you back,” she said. She seemed at war with herself and now he understood. She was worried if she took him back then this was all for nothing.  
“We’ll go to couple counseling and I’ll do individual counseling. I wouldn’t do it again, not after this,” he said.  
She looked at him sadly.  
“You just don’t know what it does to me, Bill, the thought of you with someone else-” “Hillary-” “Let me finish,” she said sternly but her voice shook a little.  
He nodded.  
“The thought of you intimately with another woman ruins me, Bill, it ruins me. I know you say it’s just sex but the thought of you touching her skin, running your hands through her hair, and touching her the way you touch me it ruins me, you don’t know what that’s like. What if I were to go get intimate with another man-” “Hillary-” He wanted to stop her before he got even more jealous because just the thought of it was too much to bear.  
“What if I let another man hold me and make love to me the way you do?”  
“Hillary, that’s enough,” he said, angrily wanting the vision out of his mind. But he knew she was in the right and justified in her feelings.  
“No it’s not enough, because that’s how I feel every time you’re with someone else Bill,” she said, “and you want to know the worst part?”  
He wanted to shake his head no but he was also intrigued, he thought that was the worst part.  
“The worst part is that those women don’t even value you. I could stomach it maybe if you were with someone who cared about you though it would still hurt like hell. I could stomach it though because here I give you everything, everything that I am and you go out and give yourself to these women who you know only see you as a piece of meat, and it leaves me wondering what I’m doing wrong.”  
If he thought he had felt shame before it was nothing to what he was feeling now.  
Hillary was right, she gave him everything and he presented himself as well for being with these other women that didn’t hold a candle to Hillary but he would not allow her to think it was her fault.  
“None of this is your fault, Hillary. You never did anything wrong that led me to do what I did,” he said.  
“Logically I know that. But the mind is an ovespeculative thing, Bill. It goes far beyond that. I’ve had many doubts,” she admitted.  
“Tell me,” he said. They had turned a corner, and though it hurt he wanted to continue to talk.  
“I’m not here to make you feel guilty,” she said.  
“I need to know. Don’t you dare worry about my feelings right now, Hillary Rodham,” he said because here she was still trying to shield him and not express her grief in order not to cause him, the source of that grief pain, and it was so very Hillary.  
“I’ve doubted whether we’re even sexually compatible. And worse I’ve doubted whether you even find me attractive. You know it’s disastrous to find yourself thinking if the man you love would love you more if you had bigger breasts or wider hips because those things don’t matter, and you know they don’t but the doubt still creeps in.”  
A new wave of shame came over him because it made no sense. How could a woman as accomplished and as beautiful as Hillary even doubt herself and for someone like him? He had his merits but he knew Hillary had many suitors.  
They were quiet for a while and he felt as though he had to be the one to break the silence but he didn’t know what to say.  
At last he spoke.  
“I don’t know how I could ever prove to you how sorry I am. I want to change for you, I want to be the man you deserve. I know it must be hard to believe but you’re everything to me, you always have been.”  
She didn’t say anything but she wrapped her arms around him and he felt a few lone tears wet his shirt.  
“I think we should walk now,” she said, pulling back and wiping her eyes, and forcing a smile.  
He agreed, not wanting to press her further.  
They walked through the park and under the streetlights and lamplights, she seemed more angelic.  
To his surprise, she held his hand though he didn’t know what that meant.  
And she leaned against him as well and as always he kept her close.  
Maybe it could have been the fact that it was cold out or that they both needed the comfort, he preferred the latter.  
After sometime, they decided it was time to head back to her apartment.  
He wondered how awkward that would be.  
Since she was tired, they took a cab and once they arrived in front of her apartment he hesitated.  
“What is it?” she asked.  
“You go on inside I’ll be up in a few minutes I’m just going to walk around more,” he said.  
She raised her brow confused.  
“Alright? I’ll tell Calvin I’ll be expecting you and I’ll the door unlocked,” she said.  
He nodded and waited until she was inside to walk off.  
He needed headspace, just time on his own.  
And time to calm down because having her so close had awakened his body again after all these weeks apart.  
The cold night air chilled him to the bone, he had always been used to heat, but he didn’t mind.  
He thought about everything they had said and everything that remained to be said.  
He thought and walked for so long that when he glanced down at his watch he saw that it had been half an hour since he had parted ways with Hillary.  
He walked back in the direction of her apartment and entered, not looking at the Calvin boy at the desk.  
He made his way up to her room and opened the door.  
Already the place felt familiar since he had come crashing into it covered in snow only about a day ago.  
He locked the door behind him.  
“Hilly?” he called, not seeing her in the living area.  
Receiving no response, he walked closer to her bedroom where the door was open just a crack.  
Upon closer proximity he began to hear the familiar sound of Hillary moaning.  
His ears shot scarlet like a teenage boy and he felt like even more of a peeping Tom when he glanced through the slightly opened crevice from the door.  
What he saw instantly made him aroused.  
Her back was to him though he could tell she was undressed, her legs were parted, and she was positioned so he could see her hand pleasuring her clit as she continued to moan softly.  
Bill knew he shouldn’t watch because surely she still thought he was away and he wasn’t meant to witness this, but he couldn’t bring his legs to move.  
Suddenly, she moaned his name and he felt his heart nearly burst.  
She was thinking of him!  
But stil, this was private.  
He walked slowly backwards, thinking he could go down to the lobby and wait for a few minutes longer.  
But she moaned his name again more intense now and though he would have been prepared for it, he stumbled back his shoes making obvious noise and he heard her moaning stop.  
He felt his heart beat heavily in his chest and not knowing what to do, he walked back into the living room.  
He heard Hillary’s bedroom door close all the way and he only hoped that she wouldn’t throw him out for this mishap.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit late but better late than never. Thanks for reading. I know I left it at a cliff hanger but I will update again soon once I update the Last Winter.


	8. ecstasy

Sometime after, she decided that she couldn’t stay in her room forever. This was her apartment after all.  
Despite her embarrassment, she had thrown on a nightgown and robe, tying it around her waist and tenderly made her way to the kitchen.  
Bill wasn’t there.  
She wondered if he had left again, perhaps on another walk, he had taken so long before that she had suspected that he wouldn’t be coming back.  
Hence her private endeavors.  
It had been sudden, the need for him, but she knew it had been building up ever since he had arrived.  
It still shocked her how much the chemistry between them radiated, and even more it shocked her how much she could underestimate.  
She had thought she had herself under control and her feelings for him under lock and key, but thinking was one thing, application was a whole other.  
Having his familiar warmth so close and his ever watchful eyes on her had been too much and in a moment of weakness she had allowed herself to feel all that she had been missing.  
And he had seen her, that much she knew.  
Bill had always been a large young man and wasn’t graceful by any means so when he tripped or faltered, it was undeniably audible.  
Perhaps if they weren’t in limbo, she wouldn’t be embarrassed. Besides, Bill had seen her in all her intimate forms and she had always felt so comfortable with him.  
She heard her front door open and close again and his familiar footsteps made her heart race.  
He stumbled into the kitchen and upon seeing her there, his face went red.  
“I was just going to make coffee, do you want any?” She asked. In fact she hadn’t really, she had intended to eat some of the mocha cake in the fridge but she had lost her appetite now due to the awkwardness of the situation.  
“No thank you,” he said politely.  
She went to the fridge and took out the milk, then went to the cupboard, turning her back on him as she reached for the coffee grounds.  
“Where did you go off to?” She asked.  
Methodically, she went through the motions of brewing the milk in her coffee maker.  
“I went to scope out the place where my car is,” he said.  
She nodded.  
“You went even though they are closed?” She asked. Bill was taller than the average man but that didn’t mean she liked him wandering the streets at night.  
“Seemed as good as time as any for a walk,” he mumbled.  
Tension filled the room. She wasn’t sure if it was sexual in nature but she knew it was prominent.  
“Hillary if I made you uncomfortable in any way, I can leave,” he said genuinely.  
Turning around to face him now, she saw that he had been standing only a few steps in front of her now. He often had a habit of gravitating towards people as he talked to them.  
“I..” her voice trailed. Did she want him to leave? The short answer was no. But the long answer was a tug of war between the two choices.  
“Really, Hillary. This is your apartment and you’ve done more than enough,” he said.  
“No. I don’t want you to leave,” she said truthfully. It would be rather inconvenient. Furthermore it would be over something so trivial in hindsight being as he had seen her in that state and plenty more before.  
“No?” He asked, smiling.  
She sighed. His smile could still make her heart race all over again.  
Realizing her confusion, Bill stepped forward, bridging the gap between them and cupping her cheek.  
“I’ll sleep in the tub,” he offered.  
The ridiculous of it made her burst out laughing.  
“No, no tub. Couch will do just fine,” she said.  
Being as she didn’t know what she wanted yet, she thought it was best for them to sleep apart in order to set boundaries.  
“Couch,” he repeated.  
His hand was still cupping her cheek and she stared back into his eyes.  
Bill had such an intense gaze, her mother had commented about it when she had first introduced the two.  
Despite everything she could feel herself getting lost in those cerulean blue eyes.. “Hillary babe?” he asked, getting her attention.  
“Yes?”  
“I think your coffee is sufficiently brewed,” he said chuckling..  
Indeed her coffee maker was responsible for the whistling sound and it wasn’t just a figment in her head due to getting lost in his intense gaze.  
“Oh yes,” she muttered and turned around to turn off her coffee maker.  
“I’ll head to the living room then,” Bill said.  
As she heard him walk out, she poured her coffee into the mug.  
Quickly she drank some of it only to curse herself for not thinking and burning her tongue.  
She was too busy thinking of him. The thought of not sleeping in bed with him tonight and his warmth broke her heart, but at the same time she felt as though she needed to keep her distance. She didn’t want to send mixed messages but it was so very hard when she wasn’t fully aware of what she wanted herself.  
She went back to her bedroom and began to strip her bed of the top duvet to give to him. She had been reluctant to let him sleep on the couch before because she didn’t have spare sheets or bedding but for tonight she’d sacrifice the duvet and sleep with the remainder of her sheets.  
When she went out to give him the duvet, she found him looking at the couch with dissatisfaction, he was much too large for it.  
Upon seeing her enter, he adjusted his expression.  
“Oh, thank you,” he replied taking the duvet from her then turning his back to her.  
She watched as he shrugged out of his shoes and took off his shirt and jacket. He was about to snap his belt open when he paused and said, “goodnight, Hillary.”  
Embarrassed at having been caught watching him she muttered goodnight and went off to her room. She changed herself, slipping into pajamas she had worn the previous night. It was incredibly late, there would be no teeth brushing tonight, a rare occurrence but she couldn’t bring herself to be bothered.  
Having given up on her coffee, she decided to try to read for a while but even that didn’t keep her mind off Bill.  
The longer he was here the more she wanted to bridge the gap between them and stay with him.  
She tossed and turned, but with the duvet had gone warmth though she was sure Bill’s warmth made all the difference.  
They had barely reached the surface of what needed to be discussed. But what more could they say that hadn’t already been said?  
All the tossing and turning had been ridiculous.  
She sat up in bed and ran her hands through her hair before resting her face in her hands.  
She asked herself what she wanted and deep within her she knew the truth: Bill.  
She would always want him.  
More than anything right now she wanted his warmth, his body pressed against hers and his slight breath against her face.  
Reminding herself of who she was and how she had never been one to shy away from her voicing her wants and thoughts, she stood up out of bed and into the living room.  
Bill was lying on his back, still awake, perhaps having tossed and turned himself.  
“Everything okay?” he asked, once he saw her.  
His expression was curious.  
“Would you like to come to bed with me?” She asked.  
He raised his eyebrows.  
“I..I can’t sleep. That couch is too small for you, it was a stupid idea. We need to talk,” she said many things at once.  
“We always need to talk,” Bill chuckled.  
“If you’d rather stay here-” she started, going on the defensive but Bill interrupted.  
“That’s not what I meant. I’d love to come to bed with you,” he said.  
By this point he had stood up, dressed only in his briefs and she tried to keep her eyes from wandering.  
“Alright, then come on,” she said and went back to the room. She heard him following, dragging the duvet across the floor.  
Making it to her bed, she got in under the sheets as Bill did too, throwing the duvet on top of them.  
He snuggled up close to her.  
“This okay?” He asked, his voice right at her ear.  
Her heart raced. It still amazed her how he could make her feel so much.  
“Yes,” she replied faintly.  
If Bill noticed, he didn’t say anything.  
She cleared her throat.  
“Bill about what you saw earlier-” she said now finally truly addressing the elephant in the room.  
“You don’t have to explain,” he assured her.  
“I’m just a little embarrassed,” she admitted. She didn’t have to say more, somehow she knew he would understand. He had always been her most trusted confidant.  
“Don’t be, you deserve to feel good,” he said. She could tell he was trying to keep his voice from rising in heat and he shifted a little away from her, she had her suspicions why.  
Turning to look at him, she smiled sadly.  
“It’s kind of funny that such a small thing would make me embarrassed when we’ve been through so much together,” she said.  
He returned her smile.  
“Just a matter of circumstance. I can’t help but wonder if the context had been different..” his voice trailed off.  
“Finish that sentence,” she pressed him.  
“I can’t help but wonder if the context had been different then I would have joined you,” he said.  
She felt his words send a rush of heat between her thighs.  
His words were lustful but she knew he meant so much more. It was more than just the sexual aspect of their relationship, he was wondering as she had before about the context they were in. Under other circumstances this would be a happy visit and they would be traveling the city arm in arm.  
Bridging the gap between them, she let her hand wander down to rest on the front of his briefs.  
He was hard, confirming her suspicions.  
He watched her warily, his lips a thin line.  
She closed her eyes for a moment before removing her hand. He wanted her as badly as she had been wanting him too but she forced herself not to indulge in that want.  
“You’re driving me insane you know that?” Bill asked.  
She knew very well, he was doing the same to her.  
“We can’t, you know what happens,” she told him.  
It was the same whenever they had fights. They would argue and then would end up in each other’s arms. Everything would be resolved then the cycle would repeat.  
She had a theory that it only buried their problems and wasn’t a real solution, Bill had a different theory one he voiced now.  
“I know that when we’re together everything works out, and I know that our love for each other only brings us closer and makes us stronger.”  
She shook her head.  
It was partly true, but everything was so different with Bill. Everything she had ever thought she had known about love and the world had changed when she met him, their love was so much more vivid and passionate than what she had ever read in any book.  
He sighed.  
“What did you want to talk about then?” He asked.  
She was thankful that he hadn’t pressed the subject more, but that was just Bill, he never pressured her.  
She didn’t know where to begin or quite frankly if she had anything to say, maybe that had just been an excuse of her subconscious to allow his warmth to sleep back into her bed.  
“Are you leaving tomorrow?” She asked for the lack of a better conversation starter but she soon found out that was the wrong thing to say.  
“Why do you keep asking me that? Do you want me to leave? Yes I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said, only slightly irritated.  
Still she could tell she had offended him.  
“I don’t want you to leave,” was all she could say.  
“Really? Because one minute you’re telling me to sleep on the couch, then you invite me back into your bed, now you’re asking when I’m going to leave, it’s just so hard to keep up,” he said exasperated.  
She suspected this had been long building up.  
She understood where he was coming from, if anything he had been more consistent than her in his treatment of her during their time in limbo.  
Above all she still loved him, and she hated to see the hurt and dimness in his eyes.  
So despite everything she had previously thought, she inched up and kissed him.  
He was surprised at first, she could tell, but then his body and lips responded familiarly and softly as they always did.  
They were soft and gentle with each other first, but as always it was never enough.  
He placed his hands on her hips as their kiss deepened and he rocked against her softly.  
Her head was exploding with emotion and all the hormones and cells in her body were on fire.  
She pulled away for a moment.  
“What is it?” Bill asked softly and in concern.  
She hadn’t realized she had been crying until Bill used his thumb to wipe a tear away.  
“I already said goodbye to your body, I don’t think I can do it again,” she whispered.  
At the heart of it, this was the source of her reluctance. It had been so hard before, making love to him one last time with only her knowing it was the last.  
Bill’s eyes grew all the more soft.  
“We don’t have to do anything. I hope my being frustrated didn’t make you feel like you had to do something. You don’t owe me absolutely anything, especially after all I put you through,” his voice rang genuine and so very true.  
They were so close, their foreheads were touching.  
“I know we don’t have to, I want to,” she said.  
He still seemed hesitant, so she cupped his face with her hands.  
“I want to,” she said with more conviction.  
“What about saying goodbye?” he asked.  
She thought it over, if they had to part she wanted this to be her last embrace with him. Perhaps it would give more closer than slipping away in the dead of night. “Then let this be our parting gesture,” she told him.  
His eyes seemed pained but he seemed to understand.  
He kissed the palm of her hand and and she fell back against the pillows as he gently positioned himself above her.  
He caught her wrist and brought her fingers up to his lips, kissing them.  
“Your nails..” he whispered.  
“I missed you,” she said blushing.  
“Clearly,” he replied.  
Her brain was on fire as he gently lifted her shirt up and massaged her breasts and fondled them in the way he knew she liked.  
A soft gasp escaped her.  
Her body began to take on the euphoric feeling it always did when they were together.  
His hands moved down to her hips and gently massaged her curves before sinking down to the waistband of her pajama bottoms.  
He gently tugged at the waistband before his fingers travelled down to slip into her panties.  
“You’re so warm,” he said impressed.  
She blushed even more as she felt his fingers come in contact with her fuzz around her vulva.  
“Um, I haven’t had much reason for upkeep,” she explained.  
“I don’t mind,” he assured her.  
He began to stimulate her slowly and her hips began to involuntary buck up as though searching for his.  
Her head fell deeper into the pillows as she seemed to be sinking into the mattress with pleasure.  
His name escaped her lips and she didn’t miss how soft his expression was at that and how he looked at her with such love.  
She suspected that he had thought he would never hear that sound again and being this was their parting gesture, perhaps he still thought that.  
Both needing more, he gently helped her sit up so she was sitting with her knees sinking into the mattress.  
His fingers still in her, he used his free hand to slip her pajama bottoms down and she helped him sliding them off until they fell off her feet and to the floor.  
Next, she slipped out of her shirt, pulling it off over head and discarding it to the floor.  
His eyes were ever watchful and one thing she never got tired of was how looked at her as though she was the most beautiful creature on Earth.  
He continued to stimulate her and she could feel her underwear become more soaked.  
She inched up to kiss him and he met her halfway, their lips moving passionately as he continued to stimulate her.  
Pausing to gasp, she met his eyes.  
“I’ve missed this. I’m going to miss this,” he whispered sadly.  
His words tugged at her heart and they rang true for her as well.  
She didn’t want him to feel pain in this moment, there’d be plenty of time for that later.  
She rested her hand against his chest and began to kiss his neck.  
His body shivered in pleasure and her hand slid down from his chest to the hard bulge in his briefs.  
Unlike before, she now allowed herself to rub it slowly in the way she knew he liked.  
Their rhythm was smooth as she stimulated him and he did the same to her, her lips at his neck while he buried his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder.  
He was moaning into that crook, the sounds coming muffled and nearly sending her over the edge.  
Once or twice she felt his teeth nick at her shoulder and she knew she would be having little reminders of this tomorrow, making the inevitable goodbye all the more difficult.  
His fingers nicked her sweet spot and she threw her head back and moaned.  
“I need you,” he pleaded.  
She obliged and stopped stimulating him in order to signify that she was ready for something more too.  
Bill stopped stimulating her as well.  
“Lay back,” he said.  
She did, falling back against the mattress again.  
Bill inched up closer and removed her panties from over her knees and threw them to the floor as well.  
He then bent down and kissed her clit lightly.  
“You’re so beautiful, you’re everything,” he praised as he let his tongue linger over her clit for a few moments.  
She watched in heat as he removed his briefs, while she had forced herself to not oggle before, now she couldn’t look away.  
“I missed him too,” she joked.  
He smirked.  
“He missed you as well,”  
He positioned himself above her again, careful not to rest all his weight on her and she panted in anticipation as she felt his tip linger in her slight wetness.  
As he slipped in, it felt like she was welcoming him home when she was really saying goodbye, of course her body didn’t know that however and treated him like the prodigal son who had just returned.  
“You feel really good,” she affirmed to him.  
Still in her, he bent down to kiss her.  
“You do too,” he replied.  
He started slow but all the same she felt her head fill with bliss.  
It was crazy to think about how only a half hour ago or so she had been reluctant and distant, but the truth was this was the inevitable, loving him was the inevitable it had been coded into her body since birth. Bill had that same feeling often telling her that they were destined to be together.  
He picked up the pace and she thrusted her hips against his.  
She also clenched down on his member in the way she knew was a weakness as it covered him in her warmth and wetness.  
He groaned and grunted and she let her hands wander to his back, one hand sliding down to cup his asscheek.  
His breath hit against her face and she took in his familiar earthy scent.  
It was more than just sex, it was the closeness that had been lacking between the two of them since her departure.  
Here they were vulnerable, all walls down as they cared for each other in the ways they had always done before.  
Her heartbeat with each familiar stroke of his and as she took in their sounds and warmth.  
“Mine,” Bill whispered, “all mine.”  
It made her heart do a flip. It wasn’t possessive, Bill wasn’t like that. But she knew he was protective and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t relish in his occasional jealousy. He was also very proud to have her as his partner, he had told her just as much.  
However, she wished she could say the same.  
Bill was hers, he belonged to her, she felt that deep in her soul but the way he acted sometimes was as though he didn’t know it.  
He was no fool, realizing that his words must have sent this line of thinking into her head, he slowed his pace for a moment.  
“Are you alright?” he asked.  
She swallowed.  
It was a strange sense of pleasure and a tiny bit of sadness but she didn’t want the pleasure to stop, at least just not now.  
“I’m fine,” she whispered. “Can we turn around?”  
Bill raised his brows, but obliged slipping out from her for the moment.  
She turned around and got on all fours.  
“Tell me, how you want me, honey,” he cooed softly from behind her.  
“Deep,” she panted.  
He slid into her folds from behind and she sighed in bliss.  
Helping him, she thrusted up and down, back and forth on his member as well.  
His hands went to her hair fisting it as he grunted softly.  
“You’re so beautiful,” he told her depearesly again as she felt him reaching his peak.  
Her fingers firsted the bed sheets as she whimpered in pleasure.  
She was so closes, just as he was.  
He caressed her hips now, massaging them as they continued to move in time.  
He paced it so they would peak at the same time and when they did peak, she collapsed back against him, and he against her, taking her in his arms.  
Her body relished in the remaining endorphins and she sighed as she felt him stroke her hair.  
“You feel okay?” He asked nuzzling his face in her hair.  
“Yeah, I just want to lay down,” she replied.  
He released her and she positioned herself so she was curled up in bed in her usual manner in bed.  
Bill seemed unsure of what to do.  
It made her laugh for a moment.  
“Bill you can lay down too,” she said rolling her eyes as he did just that.  
With the bliss wearing off, she didn’t want to think about the inevitable, him leaving.  
She would have to stick to that.  
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay or not,” he replied, curling up beside her.  
“I want you to stay tonight.”  
“But you want me to leave tomorrow,” he said sadly but matter of factly.  
“I told you it’s not about what I want,” she said.  
He was silent for a long time that she thought he had gone to the sleep in the way he often did after they had made love but then he spoke again.  
“Then what’s it about?” He asked.  
“It’s about doing what’s right Bill. We can’t keep doing this to ourselves I told you. We owe it to ourselves to try to find peace,” she said.  
“But I don’t want anyone but you,” he said so sadly.  
She turned so she was facing him.  
“You can’t seem to figure that out though,” she said.  
Shame filled his eyes.  
“This time will be different,” he said.  
She didn’t respond. She wanted to believe him. He was not a bad person by any means either but it felt so odd was that the world reason they were apart was his doing.  
“You don’t believe me,” he said even more upset.  
“I wish I could,” she said.  
She wanted so desperately to believe him, she had always believed in him from the beginning, she knew he was going to do great things in life she had just always hoped she’d be apart of that, making her own accomplishments alongside his.  
“How do you expect me to move on after what we just did?” he asked.  
“It’s just sex, Bill,” she said, though she didn’t believe that. She was just echoing what he had said to her before regarding his mistakes.  
He seemed horrified.  
“No it’s not. With you it’s more than that,” he said.  
To an extent, she knew that was true, but she was trying to distance herself now because when the morning came he would be gone and she’d be back to square one.  
“Try to think of it that way then, it doesn’t change anything,” she said.  
She knew she had invited him to talk but it was always so difficult. Her heart could only break so many times.  
He was quiet once more and they laid there together, he stroked her hair continuously, and she let him, relishing his touch and trying to memorize it.  
It hadn’t been just sex. That much she knew. Their separation steamed from the companionship they found with each other, they had each voiced before that they had never felt that time of companionship with anyone else.  
“Bill?” She asked now.  
“Hm?”  
“I..” her voice drifted. She wanted to ask something, something that she had been wanting to ask since he had came to see her.  
“What is it?” He asked now more intrigued.  
“When I left,” she gulped, “did you..were you with anyone?”  
“No. Never,” he said with such conviction that she believed it.  
Now she knew he had stayed behind upset, maybe even crying, but that didn’t bring her any comfort, his pain never had.  
“Hillary, are you asking if I was with someone as in I brought someone into the house with me?” he said, now understanding the full extent of her question.  
She nodded, not looking at him.  
“I would never do that, Hillary. That’s our home. I’ve made my mistakes but when you left it didn’t cross my mind for a moment to bring someone there with me.”  
And yet, that woman with the dark hair had shown up at the door not expecting her to be there that time.  
He must have guessed her thoughts.  
“I know I may be sounding hypocritical and I don’t want to make any excuses for how I’ve hurt you. Just know that once you left my only thoughts were of how I lost you and how much I wanted you back. It never crossed my mind to bring somebody there to take your place, no one ever could. All I could think about was you and everything reminded me of you,” he said.  
He had such a way with words.  
Earlier in their relationship, he had written her beautiful love letters.  
‘You are everything, without you there is no life,’ he had written to her once.  
“Were you..were you with someone?” he asked vulnerable.  
She glanced at him and saw that he was trying to keep his face neutral but he really did care more about her answer than he was letting on.  
“No, I told you I had no reason for upkeep remember?” she joked lightly, though it fell flat because her heart wasn’t in it.  
He kissed her cheek.  
“I remember,” he replied.  
He stared deeply into her eyes.  
“You really want me to go tomorrow?” he asked again.  
She closed her eyes as to not look at him.  
“Yes,” she panted. No, her heart replied.  
“Okay,” he said in a small voice, “just know that when I’m gone I’m gone. I want to do what you tell me so if you’re sending me away just make sure it’s what you want.”  
How many times did she have to tell him? It wasn’t about what she wanted.  
She wanted more than anything to be with him but she wanted him to be happy and maybe he was better being a free agent, maybe she had been trying to turn him into something he wasn’t. And she hadn't forgotten the happy expression on his face so full of peace that she felt was a rarity these days and had caused her to leave. She wanted him to feel that way always and in the midst of all their fights, he couldn't possibly feel that way.  
Of course she couldn’t tell him all of this. So she settled on saying, “alright.”  
His eyes seemed so pained as she looked at him, she had never known such pain.  
“Can I kiss you until then?” he asked.  
“I think that would be fine,” she replied, because she needed him and like she had told him before it had been so very difficult to say goodbye to his body.  
He leaned down to meet her lips and she sighed into their embrace.  
He tasted just as good as the first time.  
She remembered that first kiss, how she had been dying for him to kiss her and how they had laughed and gotten on so very well in the beginning.  
“Tomorrow I’ll be left wondering if any of this was real,” he whispered more to himself than to her, their foreheads resting against each other.  
She rested her head against his chest.  
Closing her eyes, she tried to will herself to go to sleep but she found herself counting the beats of his heart and hearing his gentle breathing.  
After so long, that put her to sleep despite her best intentions of trying to stay up.  
When she woke up, it was to a cold bed that felt all too empty.  
Bill was gone, she had at least thought he would have waited until she woke up, but perhaps his words last night were true ‘when i’m gone, i’m gone.’  
She hated how her heart raced and how she wished that wasn’t true.  
But this had been what she thought was best right?  
It was back to square one, she let her head fall back onto the pillow and she tried to go back to sleep if only for a few minutes before she would have to wake up for work, but the coldness of the bed didn’t offer any comfort to her breaking heart.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost done with this fic lol only about 2-4 chapters left (I haven't decided yet) thxs for reading.


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